


Letting Go

by LostForeverInHisEyes



Series: Alex/Callen/Kensi [2]
Category: NCIS: Los Angeles
Genre: Comfort, Developing Relationship, F/M, Hurt, Past Relationship(s), Romance, love second time round
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-06
Updated: 2019-02-24
Packaged: 2019-06-06 10:50:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 33,856
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15193163
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LostForeverInHisEyes/pseuds/LostForeverInHisEyes
Summary: As Callen battled against his own body, two women who loved him deeply were fighting on the same side for him to love again. The battle for his heart was on. They were destined to win, he just didn't know it yet. Part 2 of Alex/Callen/Kensi Series





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This started as the sequel to what was originally supposed to be a one-shot 'Dying'. Reading that first will help with knowing who Alex (OC) is and what it is she wants for Callen. It has ended up being Part 2 of a 4 part series.  
> Just polishing a little from the original posting on FF before posting here. It’s been about 8 years since this was written so the writing itself may not necessarily be the best but it is what it is and if I rewrite it, it won’t be quite the same.  
> The story is set between the Legend episodes and Identity, during Callen's recovery time.  
> Definitely AU. as Callen and Kensi aren't together in the and show and obviously Alex doesn’t exist outside of my stories.  
> Hope you enjoy.
> 
> Disclaimer: Disclaimer - NCIS LA - not mine, never will be but I thank those who do own it for letting us play in their world. OC's all mine!

* * *

 

**Chapter 1  
**

**_Inside Kensi's head._ **

Three weeks.

Three weeks since Callen had been brought into the hospital.

Three weeks since the shooting that had changed their lives.

Three endless weeks. She'd spent every waking and sleeping moment she was allowed here, beside him. Waiting and hoping for him to wake up.

Three weeks with three terrifying moments when his heart had stopped beating. Long enough to send doctors rushing in with the crash cart, but not long enough for them to actually use it; his heart starting to beat before they could.

Each time she was sure hers had stopped along with his.

She loved him. It had taken until now for her to admit it. Taken her years to free herself to love someone other than James. Seeing Callen lying so pale in ICU, hearing those monitors scream out for someone to help him. Knowing that there was only a slim chance of him pulling through such a destructive assault on his body. She'd had no choice but to admit it, because if she didn't now, she may never get the chance again.

It was the third night she'd spent in his room when she told him, whispered it quietly in his ear, hoping it would reach him and give him a reason to come back. She'd heard the door to his room close just after she had said the words and turned around to see Hetty standing behind her. She still remembered that conversation so clearly.

" _Miss Blye, make sure you tell him that when he is awake. In the meantime, you need to go home and sleep."_

" _But Hetty-"_

" _No. I will stay with him until you return. At least a few hours sleep in your own bed, otherwise you will be no good to any of us, let alone Mr Callen when he does wake up. And do not doubt it, he will."_

She'd nodded and reluctantly left. She had to admit though, that Hetty had been right. She did need some decent sleep. When she returned to his room later, she was surprised to find a new addition to the room. A small sofa. Hetty had smiled at her.

" _If you are going to stay here so often, you might as well be comfortable. I will see you at the office later."_

With that Hetty had left.

The vigil at his bedside was shared between her, Sam, Hetty, Nate and Eric. They had a system. Nate and Hetty were there during days when she, Sam and Eric had to deal with cases. She came straight here from the office and Sam would come in about three am for the hours before work, whilst she grabbed a few more hours of sleep in the comfort of her bed. Eric filled in whenever needed, though he usually showed up around eight pm with some dinner for them each night, keeping her company for an hour or two, before heading home. Weekends and days off were a free for all, though she still claimed the night shift.

Three weeks.

Three weeks, with not a sign that he was getting close to coming back to them; to her.

Three weeks. It felt like longer. It felt like a lifetime.

Three weeks before he finally drifted back to them and she was there for it, holding his hand.

Three weeks and three words. It gave her hope. Made her believe that he was still fighting. That he would come back soon.

 


	2. Chapter 2

* * *

**_Callen's POV  
_ **

There was a loud screeching sound and he opened his eyes. He found himself standing on the path near the beach again. He could see Alex standing there, in her white dress, right where he had left her. He saw her shake her head as she spoke.

"Not yet G. Keep fighting."

"I'm trying," he replied. He wanted to go to her, to hold her again. He'd made his choice though, he was fighting. He just hadn't realised it was going to be this hard.

"I know. Just keep your heart beating," Alex encouraged him.

The screeching changed to a steady, rhythmic beep. Alex smiled.

"That's it," she said, as everything started to fade to black

"Alex," he called out.

"I'm here," came her reply from the darkness and he knew she was. He couldn't see her anymore, but he felt her. Right there with him, helping him fight.

* * *

 

That screeching made its way into his mind again. He wasn't sure how long after the previous one, everything had been dark and he had no concept of time. He opened his eyes again. Same place, on the path. Alex there again. But this time, she wasn't quite so close. He could hear the smile in her voice as she teased him, coaxed him to go back, to keep fighting.

"Come on G. You trying to keep the doctors on their toes?"

"You know me," he teased back. He thought he could see glimpses of the beach through her.

"Yeah, I do. But it's not just the doctors out there you are scaring," she told him.

"Who else?" he asked absently, as he tried to figure out what was happening to her.

"Your family." Alex's words brought his focus back to his fight. He knew why he was here with her, in this place. His heart had stopped again. Technically, he'd died again. He had to fight, had to fight harder.

"Oh," he responded as his family's faces flashed before him. Sam, Hetty, Kensi, Nate, Eric, Gibbs.

"One beat at a time G," she encouraged him. He looked back to Alex and smiled. She smiled too, as the sound changed again. Once more it became a reassuring, steady beat.

"One beat. I can do that," he agreed.

"I know you can," Alex replied as the darkness settled over him.

* * *

That screeching sound was getting really frustrating. He knew what he would see when he opened his eyes. Alex. There she was, even further away this time. He could definitely see right through her to the beach, he was sure of that. He spoke before she could this time.

"I know, I know. One beat at a time." And the beeps started again at his words. He could hear the smile in her voice, she was too far away this time to see it though.

"You're getting better at this. They only just made it in the room this time with the crash cart."

"Really hate that whole shock thing," he admitted, as the darkness slowly descended.

"Then don't make them come back again," she told him. 

_ Will I see you again if I don't? _ he wanted to ask.

"I'll try not to," he said instead.

"Good." 

She wanted him to fight, to live, even to love again. He could do at least the first two for her.

"Alex," he called out through the darkness.

"Yeah," came her soft response.

"Thanks."

"Anytime, my love."

* * *

He wasn't sure what it was that caused him to open his eyes this time. He just did. When he did, he saw Alex again. He wasn't on the path and she wasn't far away, or see through. She was right there, sitting on the edge of the bed. Their old bed. Their old room. She was dressed in green this time, his favourite colour on her as it seemed to make her green eyes even deeper, turning the grey flecks in them into stars . He knew he'd be in the hospital and gathered he was dreaming ... or something. He didn't really want to think too much about it. He was just glad she was here. He needed her. He just wasn't quite sure how.

"Thought I wasn't supposed to see you again until the time was right?" he asked with smile.

Alex shrugged and smiled back as she answered, "You needed me sooner."

"So, not dead?" he asked, just in case.

"Nope, still fighting," she told him. He let out a slow breath.

"It's a tough fight," he admitted.

"Yep." Her smile was full of encouragement. "And you're still in with a chance."

"Got you on my side, how can I fail?"

Alex reached over and took his hand, bringing it to her lips for a gentle kiss. She felt so real and he wondered how this could possibly be a dream.

"You have more than me G, you know that." She looked at him so intently as she spoke.

"I know. Wouldn't be fighting if I didn't," he answered, then he frowned as the pain in his chest made itself known. "It hurts Alex."

"I know." She moved closer on the bed and, whilst still holding his hand, she reached out with the other one and placed it gently on his chest, just under his heart, where it was hurting the most. The pain seemed to ease at her touch.

He smiled. "That helps." He closed his eyes for a moment, enjoying the warmth from her hand on his chest, before opening them. "Why's it hurting?"

Alex smiled gently and he could see the concern in her eyes. "Pain relief wearing off. You've been in a coma. You're finally starting to come out of it," she explained. She looked down at their hands and moved her fingers slightly so they were entwined with his. She looked back up at him, the smile still on her face. Things started to fade again.

"Alex, don't go," he pleaded.

"Not going anywhere," she assured him.

She continued to fade away but he could still feel her next to him. "Alex?" he called out again as he drifted off.

* * *

This time he knew what woke him; the pain in his chest. He turned his head to the side and Alex was there again, her head resting on the pillow, her fingers still entwined with his. She smiled at him.

"Guess the nurse will be back soon with more meds." he said as his thumb ran gently over the soft skin of her fingers.

"Why's that?" Alex asked him

"Cause that's when you show up. When the pain starts to come through. You go when it stops again," he admitted. He knew now why he needed her. She helped distract him from the pain.

"Does it help? Me being here?" she asked as she moved to sit up a little and rested her head on the hand that wasn't holding his.

"Always." He frowned and looked down at his other hand then back to her.

"You're not holding this one?" he asked. Alex raised her eyebrows and lifted her head as she wiggled the fingers on her free hand.

"Nope," she replied with a shake of her head. He realised now how silly that question had really been. Of course she wasn't. But someone was. He could feel it.

"Who is?"

Alex smiled at him, an encouraging one.

"Maybe it's time for you to wake up and find out," she said softly as she started to fade away.

"Alex," he called out, not wanting her to go.

"Always here, G."

He tried to open his eyes. It took a few goes before he could, but everything was blurry. He blinked, hoping it would help. It did, just not much.

"Hey," he heard a familiar, female voice. Not Alex this time.

"You Kenz?" he managed to say, the words not quite coming out properly. Even to his ears his voice didn't sound like his own. It was rough and weak.

"Yep," Kensi replied and gave his hand a squeeze. He knew that was what he had felt before, her holding his hand.

"Hi," he said as he tried to smile, but he couldn't keep his eyes open anymore and drifted off again, a strange sound reaching his ears as he did. He found his way back to Alex. Back to his current pain relief.

"So who was it this time?" Alex asked him. She was sitting up on the bed now.

"Kensi," he answered, his voice so much stronger and normal here in his dreams.

"Must be night then," Alex said knowingly. He frowned.

"Why?"

Alex smiled, "She's always here at night."

As she started to fade away again, he realised what it was he had heard just after his eyes had closed.

"Guess they gave me the meds," he said, as he felt the pain disappear even further than her touch had sent it.

"Guess they did."

"See you soon?" he asked.

"Whenever you need me," Alex assured him.

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a pretty long chapter and gives a bit more of a look at the Callen/Alex relationship. Callen is still in ICU so this is maybe a day after his first wake up.

* * *

  ** _Mostly in Callen's head._ **

Alex was standing by their window this time when he 'woke up'.

"Hi," he said. She turned around and smiled at him as she moved to join him on the bed.

"Pain's not so bad this time," Callen admitted.

"Good, you're getting better. Maybe this time you'll be able to carry on a conversation when you wake up."

"I can carry on a conversation just fine," he protested as she sat down next to him.

"With me in your head yes, but once you open your eyes, have to tell you," she shook her head before continuing, "not doing so well."

Callen knew she was right. Outside of his dreams, he could barely get his voice to work, let alone stay awake long enough for a decent conversation.

"Who's here this time?" he asked, knowing that he'd probably start to drift awake for real soon.

Alex shook her head again and smiled. "You'll have to wake up and find out. I am not your surveillance camera."

He grinned at that.

"What if I don't want to talk to whoever it is?"

"That would only happen if it were a doctor."

Callen frowned. "Not really sure I'm up to facing Hetty. She's sure to be unimpressed about the hospital costs of this stay." Alex reached over and stroked his cheek.

"You know Hetty better than that," she said softly. "She'll be too happy that you are awake to say anything about it, at least until you are back on your feet." He looked at her, curious.

"Since when do you know Hetty? You only met her a few times."

"You know her, that's all I need." Alex smiled. "I'll see you next time."

"Always with me huh?"

"Always with you," she confirmed.

"Alex -" He wanted to say something else but she was gone. Or was it he who was gone?

His eyelids fluttered open. It was getting easier each time he woke up. This time Kensi was sitting next to him and Sam was also there, standing just behind her.

"Hey G," Sam said with that familiar grin, though he could see the concern behind it; concern and a touch of fear. Like Sam was still not sure if he was going to get through this. It made him wonder just how bad he looked.

"Hey," Callen replied, his voice still rough. He saw both Sam and Kensi frown.

"Need some water?" Kensi asked him. He nodded and Kensi poured a glass of water from the jug on the table, put a straw in it and helped him take a sip, her hand gently held his head up so he could. He smiled at her and she smiled back. One without fear it in, so he assumed she felt like he was going to make it, so he mustn't look too bad.

"Thanks ... How long?" he asked. They knew what he wanted to know.

"Three weeks," Sam answered.

Callen was shocked. He knew it had been a while, knew that he hadn't been able to grasp the concept of time, but he hadn't expected that.

"Weeks?" he repeated.

"Five bullets G. Did a bit of damage," Sam replied.

It had been a tough fight, so he supposed that made sense.

"Yeah," he admitted as he struggled slightly to keep his eyes open. He was determined to have a decent conversation this time. At least then he could report his triumph back to Alex.

"You doing okay man?" Sam asked him.

"Yeah." Callen closed his eyes for a moment before asking, "How's Hetty?"

"Happy your still with us," replied Sam.

Callen chuckled slightly and winced as the pain went through him from the movement.

"Sam! Don't make him laugh," Kensi reprimanded Sam and gently placed her hand on his arm, concern in her eyes as she watched him.

"Wasn't trying to," Sam denied.

"Which of you is staying?" he asked them. He saw Sam glance at Kensi and turned his gaze to her himself.

"My turn," she answered.

"Must be night then," he said softly as his eyes closed and he drifted off again.

* * *

Kensi frowned and turned to Sam.

"How did - " Kensi stopped and shook her head at the look on Sam's face, not needing to finish the question. Sam was as dumbfounded as she that Callen had somehow known it was night.

"Sam," Kensi said with a puzzled tone.

"What's up Kenz?" Sam asked, as he moved around so he could see her.

"Who's Alex?"

Sam shook his head. "Don't know," he replied.

"Callen keeps saying the name. In his sleep or just before waking up."

Sam nodded having heard it too. "Yeah. Maybe ask him next time."

Kensi gave Sam a look and he chuckled as she spoke. "As if he'll answer. Since when does Callen talk about anything personal?"

"Who's to say it's personal?" Sam asked her, curious as to why she would think that.

Kensi shook her head. "If it was work, we'd know."

Sam shrugged. She had a point.

"He might if he's drugged up enough. Got to go. You gonna be okay?" Sam asked her.

"Yeah. Thanks for bringing me dinner and letting Eric go on his date."

Kensi moved to the sofa and pulled out a book. She began to read, though her ears were tuned in for any sound from the man on the bed.

* * *

"I know they say laughter is the best medicine but you'll need to hold off on that one for just a few more weeks," Alex advised. He opened his eyes at the sound of her voice and looked at her.

"You're back."

She smiled. "They haven't given you anything yet. I think they're trying to get you to wake up for a bit longer."

Callen grinned at her. "Had a decent conversation this time."

"I know, well done," Alex congratulated him.

He'd love to know just what it was with her. She seemed to know so much, but if she was just in his dreams. He shook his head slightly. Really he didn't care. Having her here was all that mattered. It didn't hurt so much when she was.

"Will you stay?" he asked.

"Of course," she replied, in a tone that suggested he didn't need to ask.

"Here," he suggested hopefully and tilted his head toward the other side of the bed.

Alex moved onto the bed, curled up next to him, her head rested gently on his shoulder and she placed one of her hands on his chest. He moved one of his up to cover it and the other moved around her shoulders and held her close.

"Will you answer something for me?" Callen asked her.

"Sure."

"I never asked you when you fell in love with me." It was something he hadn't realised until after she had died, in one of those times when he couldn't stop thinking about her and all the things they hadn't done yet; the things they'd never get a chance to.

Alex turned her head slightly, looked up at him and smiled. "No, I guess you didn't."

"Will you tell me?"

"Not smart enough to figure it out?" she teased him.

"Looking for a good story to keep the pain away," he admitted as his hand moved gently over her fingers, tracing their softness.

"How do you know it was a good story?" He could still hear the gentle teasing in her voice.

"You and me, we always make a good story." Callen frowned. "Is there a reason you don't want to tell me?"

"I'll tell you."

"So when?"

"First date."

"What?" Her answer shocked him. He never would have guessed that it had happened so early.

"Yep."

Their first date became his dream, chasing away the pain.

 

* * *

 

_Start of Date_

 

Callen picked up his phone and called Alex. He hadn't spoken to her since she had agreed to the date and he wanted to make sure it was still on.

"Detective Baltimore's phone, Singer speaking."

"Hi Nathan. Callen, DEA. I was looking for Alex," he said. Nathan was Alex's partner and he'd gotten to know him a little as well, when they had worked together recently.

"Hey Callen. She's gone home."

Callen frowned as he checked the time, it was only one pm.

"Rough few days. She said she wanted to get some sleep before going out to dinner." Nathan clarified. Well, at least it sounded like the date was still on.

"Yeah, that's what I was calling about. Just making sure she hadn't changed her mind. What happened?" Callen asked, concerned.

"A case. Had some leads and things went down fast. All done now but, don't think any of us slept much last night. And don't think she even went home the night before," Nathan answered.

"So she probably isn't up for dinner and dancing?" Callen didn't want to cancel the date, but he also didn't want to push if she wasn't going to enjoy it.

"Doubt it Callen. Might want to go for something a bit quieter," Nathan advised.

"Yeah, probably," he said absently, as ideas floated around in his head.

"Anything else?" Nathan asked, just as one of the ideas finally settled in his mind. Callen smiled.

"Yeah, what's the chance you have a key to her place?"

"I'm not giving it to you Callen," Nathan said firmly.

"I wasn't going to ask you to, but I do need your help with this date."

Nathan was silent for a moment.

"What kind of help?" Nathan asked. He wasn't quite sure if Nathan was reluctant or just being protective.

"Set up dinner at her place after I pick her up." A date didn't have to take place outside of the home. If she was too tired to go out he could, with a little help, bring it to her.

"So you are going to take her out on a date, but it is going to be at her place?"

"Yep." Callen heard Nathan sigh before he gave his answer, this time he was sure it was reluctant, though he didn't know why.

"What do you want me to do?"

* * *

Callen pulled up at Alex's house, right on time. As he got out of the car, Nathan drove past and parked further up the street. Perfect timing. He walked up the steps of her house to her front door. It was an older house, well kept. Something he wasn't quite sure an LAPD Detective should be able to afford though. It kind of reminded him of a family home, one that should’ve lots of kids. He remembered a place like this from his childhood and smiled. That had been a nice place, pity it hadn't lasted long; only seven weeks.

He knocked on her door and waited. It didn't take long before she answered and he was stunned. She looked beautiful. So different from when she was at work. Her hair was pinned up, with some curls falling randomly around her face and neck. He was so tempted to reach out and curl one of them around his finger. His hand had even started to move, but he pulled it back before she could notice. Her dress was a deep purple. Somehow it was reflected in the sparkles in her eyes. The eyes; he kept getting caught up in them.

"Hi," she said bringing his focus back to what he should be saying. He had no idea how long he had stood there looking at her without saying anything. From the look on her face though, it was long enough that she noticed.

"Hi. You look beautiful," he finally managed to say.

Alex smiled. "You did say to dress up and I assumed you didn't mean just some clean jeans and a t-shirt."

"This is perfect," he said as he held his hand out for her. Alex picked up a jacket and her purse before placing her hand in his and stepping out the door. She pulled it closed, making sure to check it was locked before she turned to him.

"So where are we going?" Alex asked.

"You'll see."

Callen held the door to the car open for her and closed it carefully after she was in. She looked at him expectantly when he got in. "Still not telling."

Alex continued to stare at him. It almost felt like she was seeing right through to inside, trying to work him out. He frowned.

"What?" Callen asked.

"Why so mysterious?" Alex asked.

Callen grinned as he reached into the glove box and pulled out a black piece of material and held it up. Her eyes went wide in disbelief.

"Speaking of mysterious,” he said, “you need to have this on."

Alex shook her head and said firmly, "No. You are not blindfolding me, Agent Callen."

"G," he corrected as he leaned closer. He smiled as he saw her swallow nervously at how close he was. "I'm assuming you would prefer I call you Alex, not Alexandria or Detective Baltimore."

"Alex will be fine. Why the blindfold?" she asked.

"It's called a surprise." Callen wasn't sure she'd go for it, but having planned the dinner to be at her house, he needed to try.

Alex shook her head. "Not one for surprises, get enough of those at work."

Callen could understand that. He gave it one last shot and looked her in the eyes and said softly, "Please." He held her gaze as he saw the battle rage inside her. She was curious and tempted, but she didn't know him. She wanted to know him though, he could see that. She made a great detective but she wouldn't do so well undercover. He could see her wavering and kept going. "Promise I won't tie it tight, just enough so you can't see where we are going."

She pulled her gaze away from his as she asked, "You're not going to give up are you?"

"Nope." Callen knew he had won.

"Fine,” she agreed, “but I'll do it." She held out her hand for the blindfold.

Callen shook his head and smiled. "No. I know the same tricks as you. Put this on yourself and you'll be able to see." He saw the guilt flicker across her face.

"Go on then. Let's get this over with."

Callen  leaned closer, he didn't really need to but he wanted to. Carefully, he placed the material over her eyes and reached around to the back of her head, it brought him even closer and he could feel her breath on his face. He was sure she could feel his. As he tightened it, he asked softly, "That okay?"

He heard her breath hitch a little and her tongue flicked over her lips before she answered.

"That's fine."

Reluctantly, he pulled away and started the car. As he drove off, he saw Nathan pull up where he had just been. Now, he just had to wait and drive. But at least he had a captive audience, maybe he could find out a few things about her.

"How long have you lived here?" Callen asked.

"Most of my life," Alex answered. "It's my parents house. Well it was. It's mine now. They decided to go somewhere warmer."

"Where?"

"Hawaii."

"Do they like the waves?" he asked.

"No, they love the warmth and the beach but not the waves."

"They just gave it to you?

"Not exactly. I brought it off them, enough for them to buy their place in Hawaii anyway." She chuckled. "They're stubborn. They wanted to just give it to me. Said it would be mine one day anyway."

Callen smiled. Sounded like her parents wanted to take care of her even if she was an adult. He could tell by the tone of her voice that she loved them very much. It was so easy to hear. Then he frowned as he remembered something.

"What about your brother?"

"Brother?" Alex repeated, sounding confused. That made him curious and he wondered if she had lied to him that first day.

"Yeah, the one who got his heart broken and caused me so much hassle to get you here."

"Oh. That would Nathan. He's like a brother to me." Fair enough, he would let her get away with that.

"So if they're stubborn, what does that make you?" he asked.

"Perfect combination of them, so even more!"

He chuckled at that. "Are you sure? You gave in to me easy enough."

"I haven't given in G. Just agreed to dinner," she denied.

"So this isn't a date?"

"It's dinner," she said stubbornly.

No, he wasn't going to let her get away with that. He'd worked too hard to get this date.

"I picked you up, I'm taking you out. I'm paying. Evidence certainly points to it being a date to me."

"Why?" she asked. He glanced over at her as he waited at a corner for the traffic to clear. He noticed the frown.

"Why what?"

"Why did you ask me out?" she clarified.

"Because I wanted to see you laugh again."

Alex shook her head. "No. You were trying to ask me out before that."

"If this isn't a date then I didn't ask you out." She wanted answers out of him, she'd had to give something first. Negotiation. She should be good at that. He waited patiently and then she gave in.

"Fine, it's a date. Now tell me why?"

Callen smiled, a triumphant one that he was sure if she could see he would be in trouble for it somehow.

"Because I like you," he admitted.

"You'd barely known me for five minutes."

"I don't need long to know what I like."

She didn't have a response to that. Callen's phone went off and he quickly checked the text. Nathan was done. Time to head back.

When they arrived back at Alex's place she went to remove the blindfold. He quickly stopped her, placing his hands over hers.

"Not yet."

"But we're here," she protested as he moved her hands back to her lap.

"Not until we get inside."

"G."

"Nope " He finally let go of her hands, got out and quickly walked around to her side. He opened the door and took her hand, guiding her gently up out of the car, pleased that she hadn't taken advantage of him not being there to remove the blindfold. Alex placed a hand on his chest to steady herself and he reached around, closed the door and locked the car. He placed her arm in his and started them walking.

"G come on, can't I look? We're here, isn't that enough of a surprise?"

Callen laughed softly. "Impatient aren't you?"

"Known to be," she replied.

He started them up the path and looked at the steps. Nathan was at the door with it open, waiting for them. Without stopping, he quickly picked Alex up and continued walking up the stairs.

"G!" Her hands went automatically around his neck and she held on tight.

"Don't want you tripping on the steps. That's definitely on my list of things to avoid on the first date."

"What else should I know that you want to avoid?"

"You saying no to a second date." He walked through the door with a smile of thanks to Nathan, who shook his head and closed the door behind them, leaving them alone. Callen walked her through to the lounge room and smiled. Nathan was good. The fire was going, there was music and everything was set up perfectly. He gently placed Alex on her feet and reached up to take the blindfold off at the same time she did. Callen stopped her hands again and moved them back down.

"Let me."

Alex blinked a few times after he took the blindfold off and, as she glanced around, her eyes went wide in shock. She looked back at him.

"How?" she asked.

Callen smiled. "My secret."

Alex shook her head. "Just tell me you didn't have someone break into my house to set this up."

Callen shook his head and reassured her. "No breaking of anything. I promise."

"Then remind me later to have a strong word with Nathan."

"Why Nathan?" Callen hoped he hadn't got Nathan into trouble. He'd been extremely helpful and he couldn't have pulled this off without him.

Alex raised her eyebrows. "You didn't break in. Must have used a key. I know exactly who has keys to this place."

"Very astute, Detective Baltimore. Be gentle with him. He only wants what's best for you."

"And that would be you, would it?" She gave him such an opening with that line, but decided not to push too much.

"If you insist," was as far as he would take it for now.

Alex rolled her eyes at that and smiled at him.

"Now, how about something to eat?" He gestured to the small table Nathan had set up, and the food waiting on it. "Or would you prefer to dance?"

Alex shook her head. "Food. Smells too good to resist."

"Have to remember that."

Alex looked at him again and she almost laughed. He could see how tired she was and gently took her arm and steered her to the table.

The food was great, the company even better, but by the time they had finished dessert, he could see that she was exhausted. Not wanting the night to end just yet, Callen held out his hand to her and smiled when she took it without hesitation. He led her over to the couch and then stepped closer to her, his hands going to her hair.

"What-" He placed a finger over her lips and stopped her words.

"Shh. You're tired. You need to relax," he told her softly.

"I know but -"

"Alex," his tone a gentle reprimand.

"What?"

"Trust me."

Callen waited while Alex took a deep breath, let it out slowly and then nodded. He carefully took out the clips and pins that were holding her hair up and gently ran his fingers through it as it fell around her shoulders. He couldn't believe how soft it was. He watched as her eyes closed and discovered that she enjoyed having her hair played with. He would definitely remember that. He stopped and let go, noticing the disappointment that briefly flashed over her face. He sat down on the couch and put one of the cushions on his lap.

"Come on. Lie down," he instructed her gently.

When she didn't move he continued. "Alex."

"I know, trust you. Just..." she trailed off, obviously reluctant to continue verbalising her thoughts.

"Just what?" he prodded.

Alex didn't say anything, though it looked like she was debating with herself. She took a deep breath and then as she let it out; seemed like this might be something she did when she was nervous; she finally moved to the couch, slipped off her shoes and carefully laid down. She put her head on the pillow in his lap and tucked her feet up on the couch. His hands moved back to her hair and he felt her instantly relax.

"Better?" he asked softly.

"Thank you," she replied. They stayed like that for a while, not talking, and then Callen started asking random questions, as he continued to play with her hair or run his fingers gently over her arm. Sometimes the questions were close together, sometimes he waited between them.

.

"Favourite book."

"Anything but War and Peace."

"Why?"

"Still trying to read it for the first time."

.

"Favourite Colour."

"Purple."

.

"Favourite holiday destination."

"Hawaii or Heavenly."

"Waves and snow?"

"Parents and skiing."

.

"Best childhood memory."

"Christmas."

"Which one?"

"All of them. Mum and Dad always did something crazy and christmasy on Christmas Eve for when I woke up."

.

"Worst date."

"23 September 2000. Blind date arrange by a friend. We hated each other on sight."

"Remember it that well?" She'd shocked him knowing the actual date of the date. Must have been memorable at least.

"Wish I didn't."

.

"First kiss."

"Fifteen."

.

"First boyfriend."

"Seventeen."

"Bit later?"

"Parents rules. Not allowed a serious boyfriend until then."

.

"First time?" He really didn't think she would answer, but he threw it in anyway.

"You first."

"Seventeen."

Alex groaned and he almost laughed. She obviously hadn't expected him to answer. "Sorry, not answering that one. A girl's got to have some secrets."

.

"Favourite song."

"Another Year Has Gone By, Celine Dion."

"Why?"

"Sang it at my parents 30th wedding anniversary. Pretty much covers who they are."

"You can sing?"

"Yes."

"Will I hear you sometime?"

"Maybe." He smiled. That at least suggested she was up for seeing him again.

.

"Favourite Movie."

"Don't have one."

.

"Best date?"

"This one," she whispered softly

He smiled again. Her voice had been getting softer as the questions and time went by and from the way her breathing had evened out, he was sure she had fallen asleep just after she answered that last one.

Callen stayed where his was, his fingers gently played with her hair, being careful not to do anything that would wake her. His other hand rested on her arm. Her skin was just as smooth and soft there as on her neck. He didn't notice the time passing, just enjoyed having her there, knowing she trusted him enough to fall asleep. He watched her, watched the flickering fire and waited for her to wake up. She did, eventually. Two hours later. He felt her start to move and looked away from the fire as she sat up.

"You should have woken me," she complained, her voice sleepy.

"Why?" he asked.

Alex smiled but she looked like she was curious about something. She was so easy to read.

"Why didn't you? That can't have been much fun." She glanced at the clock and looked back at him, shocked. "Two hours?" She briefly closed her eyes and then looked back at him

"I'm sorry. It's been a rough week," she admitted.

"I know."

Alex frowned. "How?" They hadn't spoken about work. She'd asked not to, she'd wanted a night off.

"Nathan."

"Oh." She looked down at her hands.

"Alex?" he said, trying to get her to look back at him.

"Yeah," she replied as she looked back up.

"I didn't mind. Honest," he reassured her.

Alex looked at him for a moment and then moved closer to him, almost cautiously. Like she wasn't quite sure what she was going to do. Callen waited. He saw her swallow nervously and then she moved closer and placed a hand on his cheek. Her gaze dropped to his lips as she moved in and then he felt hers on his, so soft and gentle. He reached one hand out to slip behind her head and held her gently to him. She pulled back slightly and their gazes locked, but he didn't let her get too far away. He saw her smile and then she moved back and kissed him again. This time he pulled her into his lap and, as her lips opened under his, he deepened the kiss, pleased when she responded to him. They fitted together just right. When they stopped, he looked at her and knew what he wanted. He didn't want this to end, he wanted to continue to explore and find out if she was soft everywhere. But he wouldn't, not this time, even if he could see that she wanted that too.

"I should go home," he said.

"Yeah," she whispered. He could hear the reluctance in her voice. He kissed her gently again.

"So, do I get a second date?" he asked as she moved off his lap. He watched her fingers go to her lips and liked the gentle smile that came across her face. It took her a few moments to say anything.

"Sorry," she said. "Missed that."

"Second date? Do I get one?"

She glanced at the clock and then back to him. "How does nine am tomorrow sound?"

His eyebrows went up, shocked.

"Breakfast?" Was she asking him to stay?

"No, kitchen duty. You don't expect me to clean up after our date do you?"

He smiled and agreed.

"Nine tomorrow it is." He stood up and reached out to her, brushing the hair off her face, before taking her hand and walking to the door. He turned to her and smiled.

"Good night Alex."

"Good night G."

He reached down and kissed her on the cheek and then left.

.

_End of Date_

* * *

 

"What was it that got me over the line?" Callen asked as the dream within his dream faded.

"You didn't make it about you,” Alex told him. “You changed your plans for me. You took care of me that night."

Callen smiled. "It was fun. Especially getting to blindfold you. Took a lot to not kiss you then."

Alex smiled as well. He could feel it against his shoulder. "I know."

"How?"

"Felt the same way. You were so close."

"What did you say to Nathan?"

Alex laughed softly. "After giving off a very strong, 'annoyed with him' vibe when I walked into the office on Monday, and watching his face as he realised he was in trouble, I kissed him on the cheek and told him thank you."

Callen chuckled. "I probably should have called him and let him know that everything went well."

"Wouldn't have been as much fun for me if you had."

They were quiet for a moment before Callen spoke again.

"Thank you for staying," he said. She lifted her head to look at him.

"You'd have done the same for me."

"In a heartbeat." He would’ve. He wouldn't have left her side in the hospital if he'd had the chance. She put her head back down and he tightened his hold on her, even knowing she wasn't going to leave, he wanted to make sure.

Callen closed his eyes and felt the familiar effects of the pain medication that they must have just given him take effect, as he slipped away from his dream into the darkness that was his sleep, at least the sleep he had when he couldn't feel any pain.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a little bit of info. Callen first met Alex, 9 years, they were together for almost 3 years. Just so you know.

* * *

 

**_From Hetty's POV  
_ **

Hetty watched as Kensi walked over to her desk and stopped.

"Hetty, can I ask you a question?"

"Of course, Miss Blye." Hetty noticed the hesitation.

"Who's Alex?" Kensi finally asked.

That wasn't what Hetty had been expecting.

"Alex?" Hetty repeated.

"Yeah. Callen's called out the name a few times. Sam doesn't know who he is meaning. Just wondering if you do."

Hetty thought for a moment about her answer. She remembered what she had overheard Kensi say to Callen in the hospital. That helped her decide.

"Yes I do," she admitted

"And?" Kensi prodded.

Hetty gestured for Kensi to sit down. When she had taken a seat Hetty continued, choosing her words carefully.

"Alex is part of a very dark time in Mr Callen's life. The brightest and the darkest times. Be very careful if you do ask him about her," Hetty warned her agent. She couldn't remember the last time Callen had spoken Alex's name. It had been years.

"Her?" Kensi asked, as her eyebrows raised at Hetty's response.

"Yes. Her," Hetty confirmed. Kensi looked at Hetty for a moment and Hetty could see the struggle within Kensi at how little she knew. She wanted more. Hetty smiled at Kensi's next statement, which was a barely disguised question.

"You can't tell me."

"No Miss Blye. Alex is someone he will need to tell you about ... if, and when he is ready. Which may never happen." Hetty had hoped Callen would open up one day about Alex to someone, but considering the length of time that had already passed with no sign of it happening, she wouldn't hold her breath. Though perhaps she could encourage the two of them to talk, somehow. She would have to think about that a little more later.

Kensi frowned. "Thanks Hetty."

Hetty watched as Kensi rose and walked away. She sat back in her chair and her mind went back to that dark time in Callen's life.

Hetty had watched the pain in his eyes grow every day, saw the anger blaze at the slightest mention of Alex or those that had killed her. She hadn't been able to convince him to take some time off after her death. There was nothing she could do to hold him back from searching for those responsible. Part of her didn't want to. Callen needed to get this out of his system to be able to heal, both of them did. Callen and Nathan, Alex's partner from the LAPD. She watched in amazement at the co-operation between them, as they searched and followed any lead, no matter how tiny or unlikely. They worked together as if they had been partners for years.

She had turned a blind eye to some of his tactics and methods, but then, that was part of her role anyway. They were there to get things done when others couldn't. LAPD and as such Nathan, had had their hands tied by rules, regulations and laws, though she knew that Alex's entire department were doing everything they could. Callen sidestepped, ignored or just ploughed right through, Nathan right there beside him, not caring if it ruined his career. Neither of them did. It showed just how much they cared about Alex.

When they finally found and brought down those responsible, Nathan stepped back into his role at the LAPD and she had made sure that nothing came back to cause him any further grief, allowing him to move on. Callen had requested this and she had happily obliged, hoping it would be the end of this anger-filled Callen. But it hadn't been. He showed no sign that this was over for him. She'd tried talking to him, ordering him to settle down and at least stay close to doing things the right way. He already had his sights set on someone else, though at least there had been a connection to a current case so she had let him go, but the body count had been too high from that mission. He hadn't listened to her at all, which had led to the following conversation.

* * *

"Mr Callen," Hetty called out. Callen turned around and looked at her, though he did not come closer.

"What is it Hetty? I have work to do," he said abruptly.

Hetty shook her head. "Not anymore." 

"What?" Callen frowned and finally moved toward her desk. Hetty waited until he stopped before she continued.

"The body count from the last mission, Mr Callen." Another shake of her head. "Too high."

"My report justified the use of lethal force, Hetty," Callen protested. "You've read it."

"The reports," Hetty emphasised the plural, "I have read, yes have justified it, though barely. Your team are covering for you as best they can Mr Callen, without lying."

"It was justified," Callen continued to defend his decision.

"Maybe so, but your behaviour is not anymore," Hetty told him.

"Hetty," Callen warned. 

Hetty could see his anger start to build, but she had to put a stop to this, had to help him start to heal before they lost him as well.

"No. I allowed quite a range of freedom when you were tracking down Alex's murderers." Hetty saw the anger and pain flare in his eyes, and although she wished she hadn't had to bring up her name, she knew it was the only way. She continued before he could interrupt. "Your behaviour is now unacceptable. I do not believe you are capable of doing your job at present."

"I can do my job just fine Hetty. There isn't anything wrong with me." Callen stood up, obviously ready for this discussion to end.

"Physically, no, aside from the lack of sleep. Mentally, you are not here with us. You are still set on revenge."

"Wouldn't you be?" Callen snarled.

"Alex wouldn't want this," Hetty replied in a calm but gentle voice. Callen's eyes narrowed at her words.

"You don't know what Alex would want.” Callen’s voice rose as he spoke, the anger and pain there to hear. “You didn't know her." 

That was true. Unfortunately she hadn't had the time to get to know Alex. Callen had only been working for OSP for about four months when Alex had died.

"You did, and you know that I speak the truth," Hetty added.

Callen turned and walked away, a definite attempt at dismissing the conversation but she wasn’t done.

"If you don't believe me then maybe you will believe it when you see for yourself that she felt the same," Hetty called out to him before he got more than three steps from her desk.

Callen turned back around and glared at her. "Yeah? And how is she going to tell me?" he spat out, his voice full of pain, heartache and loss that almost brought tears to Hetty's eyes at how much he was suffering right now.

Hetty held out her hand with a letter in it. "It's from her. Take it home, read it. Come back when you are ready to be here," she said gently.

Callen reached for it and started to turn away again, his eyes not leaving the letter as he did.

"Mr Callen."

He turned back though she sensed reluctance in the movement.

"You are suspended, indefinitely. Until you are cleared for duty … Consider it compassionate leave, for now. The suspension will not go on your record unless you fail to get the help you need."

"I don't need help," Callen denied. His eyes had still not left the letter in his hand and his tone was not as forceful as it had been only moments ago..

"We all need help Mr Callen. Now go. Read what she has to say. Read what she wants you to know."

Callen left and Hetty took a slow, deep, calming breath. She hoped she had done the right thing. Only time would tell.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a little short one this time. Inside Kensi's head seemed to be the easiest way I found for her side of the story when I wrote this originally. Thanks for reading.

* * *

 

**_Inside Kensi's head_ **

****

Three more weeks.

Three weeks in the hospital.

Three weeks of nights filled with wondering how he was doing.

Three weeks keeping him company during official visiting hours.

Callen had been moved from ICU a few days after he first woke up and she hadn't been able to stay the night anymore. Their system had changed, but she managed to get on it for first thing in the morning and last thing at night. She always dropped in anytime she was near the hospital on a case or out and about for some other reason. She had learnt so many different routes between points, working out the ones that put her within stopping distance. She was sure Sam knew what she was doing, but he never said anything. Never complained. Neither did Hetty.

She hadn't told Callen yet. Hetty had given her that look, reminding her of their earlier conversation, but how could she? How could she tell him; in essence, her boss; that she loved him? She knew his rules. No cops, no team mates. Especially after her chat with Hetty about Alex. She knew what Hetty had meant when she said the brightest and the darkest times. She'd lived them herself. She remembered that. Remembered her time with James; the brightest. Remembered the times after he died; the darkest. There was only one conclusion she could come to about the mysterious Alex. Callen had loved her. He'd loved her deeply. He still did. The situation was impossible. She'd told him once, she just have to leave it at that. Or, she could be patient and see if, maybe, this brush with death changed his opinions. It had hers. Maybe she should wait, give him the chance to recover and then see where things went. She could do something subtle to test the waters, something he wouldn't even realise was happening. Yeah right. That would be about as likely to succeed as sneaking into the office late and not having Hetty know. Impossible.

Hetty ultimately provided the solution. With Callen causing all sorts of drama at the hospital for the staff, with wanting to get out of bed; do things for himself; break out; Hetty had consulted with the doctors and they agreed to send him home, as long as he would be comfortable and wouldn't be left alone until he was capable of behaving. Though, she didn't believe that the condition was the 'make or break' part of the deal that Hetty had suggested it was. She was sure that the doctors were more than willing to send him home, before the entire ward quit in protest! Callen wasn't exactly the most co-operative patient.

Three more weeks.

Three weeks until Hetty gave her the most difficult mission she ever had.

Three weeks until she moved Callen into her home and spare room.

Three weeks until she needed to pretend he was just a team mate, just a friend.


	6. Chapter 6

* * *

 

It was late afternoon when Kensi and Sam walked into his room. Callen was sitting in the chair, dressed, packed and ready to go.

"You ready to break out of here G?" Sam asked with a grin.

"Lead the way," Callen replied, as he started to stand up. Sam put a hand on his shoulder to stop him.

"Sorry man, you need help getting up and it's a wheelchair to the door."

Callen groaned in protest, but waited for Kensi to bring in the wheelchair from just outside.

"Did you organise a place for me?" Callen asked Sam. He'd only found out last night from Hetty that he was going to be leaving the hospital this afternoon. She had said that arrangements had been made and he assumed that Sam was taking care of it.

"You're coming home with me, Callen. I have a spare bedroom," Kensi answered as she came back in.

His conversation with Alex flashed through his mind.

_"Do you like her?"_

_Callen looked down at her, the frown staying on his face. He wasn't quite sure what it was she wanted to know._

_"Are you asking me if I'm interested in her personally?"_

Callen shook off the thoughts. "I can look after myself Kensi," he protested.

Kensi shook her head at him. So did Sam.

"No you can't. Doctors orders,” Kensi told him. “You want out of here, you need a decent bed and someone to watch over you. Or you stay for longer."

"Fine, I'll stay with Sam." Callen glanced at Sam for his agreement.

Sam shook his head. "You're not gonna get better sleeping on my couch."

"You have a problem staying with me?" Kensi asked seriously, her hands on her hips as she looked at him. Sam chuckled.

"No," Callen answered reluctantly. When Alex had asked him if he liked Kensi, he hadn't answered her, had redirected her away from that question because he didn't want to tell Alex yes. He didn't even want to admit it to himself. She was a team member, that was all. There were rules. But these last few weeks, during this horrible time in hospital, the highlights of his days had been when Kensi visited him for real and when Alex had been there in his dreams. Now, he was nervous about staying with Kensi. Mentally, he shook off the thoughts. She's just a friend.

"Good," Kensi replied.

"Kensi, I-" Callen was just going to apologise for sounding ungrateful, but she cut him off.

"Look, forget the doctors orders. Hetty told me to take you home, so if you want to argue with anyone about it, take it up with her."

"Hetty? Argue with her? You trying to send me back in here?" Callen teased, hoping to lighten the mood a little.

Kensi shook her head and smiled. "No. Just want you to shut up and get in the wheelchair. For someone who hates hospitals you sure are delaying getting out of here," she said.

“You here to look pretty or help me?" Callen asked as he looked at Sam.

Sam moved over and helped him up carefully.

"How long do I have to have supervision?" Callen asked as Sam helped him down into the wheelchair.

"Until Hetty says so," replied Kensi.

"Why Hetty?"

Sam took control of the wheelchair and pushed him out the door. Even just being in the corridor, knowing he was leaving this place helped Callen to relax a little and he breathed a sigh of relief that this part of his recovery was over.

"Because she's the only one who can make you do what you need to do to get better and back to work. We kinda miss you," Kensi admitted from where she was now walking beside him.

"Nice to know," Callen replied with a smile.

* * *

 

"So this is it. Not much," Kensi said as they walked through her front door, Sam helping him. Well, Sam holding him up really.

"It's great. Better than where I was before," Callen said, grateful that the trip from the car was almost over.

"Probably better than most of the places you've been before," Sam commented.

"Hey! I've lived in some nice places."

"When and where?" Sam asked with raised eyebrows.

Callen didn't want to bring up the house he'd been in with Alex. "While ago. Just can't remember," he said.

"Be grateful G. My couch is nowhere near as comfortable as her guest bed."

"Tried it out have you?" Callen remarked with a look between Sam and Kensi.

"No. But wouldn't take much." Sam glared at him for the suggestion that there was something between him and Kensi.

"Here you are, 'Home Sweet Home'. Of sorts," Kensi said as she opened the door to the guest room for them. Sam helped him down onto the bed. Callen wanted to protest that he could do it himself, but honestly, he probably couldn't.

"Behave G. I've told Kensi I'll come round anytime she needs me to knock some sense into you."

"I always behave," Callen protested, resulting in a laugh from Kensi and a "Hmph" from Sam.

Callen closed his eyes briefly, then he felt Sam shake him gently. He hadn't even realised he'd fallen asleep.

"Come on G, time to take your meds, then I'm off."

Reluctantly Callen took them from Sam's hand, glad that he was out of the hospital and could start to take control of these things soon.

"Night G." Sam's voice was distant.

"Hmm," Callen murmured in response as he drifted back to sleep. Just getting from the car to the apartment seemed to have worn him out.

* * *

"Much better than the hospital," came Alex's voice. The pain had started to interfere with his sleep. Callen smiled, opened his eyes and looked at her.

"Comfy too. Sam was right, better than his couch."  Callen looked around. This time they were in Kensi's spare room, not their old bedroom.

"You okay?" she asked him

"Hurts, but nothing I can't handle," Callen admitted. He hated the effect the pain killers had on him.

"You know G, it doesn't make you any less of a man to take the pain killers when you are supposed to," Alex said.

"Yeah, but if I do, I don't get to see you."

Alex smiled at his flirtatious tone. "Like seeing me, do you?"

"You need to ask?" She shook her head.

"Are you going to be a really stubborn patient?" Alex asked him.

"Not too stubborn. Sam's already threatened me and I don't really want to have Hetty do the same."

"Good. So I don't need to?"

Callen grinned. "You? Threaten me? You're too soft."

"Too soft? Really G, have you forgotten our first meeting?"

"No." As if he could. Alex just looked at him, waiting for him to continue. So he did. "You were tough and demanding. I'll give you that, ... but your skin," he smiled before he continued, "was so soft."

Alex frowned at him. "How'd you figure that?"

"Your hands, your neck."

"Hands yes." She shook her head. "Neck no. We shook hands, so fair enough but neck?"

Callen smiled again.

"G?"

"Couldn't resist. Think you thought it was a stray piece of hair," he finally admitted.

Alex blushed. "Oh."

"What?" Now he was curious about that blush and it was his turn to wait for her to admit something.

"I kinda hoped it wasn't, but you had such an innocent look on your face. You never told me," Alex replied.

"Guy has to have some secrets, right?"

Alex rolled her eyes and smiled. "You had plenty, you didn't need anymore."

Callen took in a sharp breath against the pain that suddenly flared in his chest. He looked up at her.

"Alex." It was almost like he was begging her for help.

Alex smiled softly and begged him in return. "Wake up G. Take the pain killers, they'll help. I'll still be here when you need me."

The pain came again and Callen closed his eyes against it, opening them to find her gone. He tried to sit up and groaned.

"Callen," Kensi called from the door.

Callen looked up to see her standing there watching him. "Sorry," he said, not entirely sure what he was apologising for.

"No problem. Need some of these?" Kensi asked, as she walked in with another glass of water and his tablets.

"Thanks."

Kensi put them down on the table beside the bed and helped him sit up to take them. Then she helped him back down. She was so gentle with him. It was a side of Kensi he hadn't really seen on the job, except when there were kids involved. She was always gentle with them. Kensi smiled and turned to go once he was comfortable.

"Kenz?" Callen called.

She turned back to him. "Yeah?"

Callen smiled. "Thanks for taking me in."

Kensi nodded. "No problem, got a soft spot for wounded puppies."

Callen raised his eyebrows. He wasn’t anything like a puppy, though wounded was accurate.

Kensi smiled again and left, closing the door halfway which would mean she would hear him if he needed her.

Callen closed his eyes and tried to go back to sleep.

"I miss you Alex," he whispered. It was the first time in years he had consciously let her name pass his lips. He didn't count the dreams or whatever it was that she was in. He was surprised. It didn't hurt so bad anymore to say it.


	7. Chapter 7

* * *

Callen got out of bed and made his way to the bathroom, then the kitchen. He was hungry and surely he could make some toast or something for himself. He'd been out of the hospital for two weeks and he hated being dependent on anyone. There had been someone here all the time for the first ten days, until he had proven to Hetty that he would behave. Kensi had gotten home late last night and was still asleep. He didn't want to wake her for something so simple as food.

He found himself leaning against the wall in the kitchen. He'd managed to eat something but the short trip on the way back to the bedroom was too much for him on his own and he felt dizzy. Perhaps he should have sat down to eat after all.

"Geez Callen, why didn't you call me?" Kensi hurried over to him.

"I'm not a child," Callen protested as he tried to stand up and pull away from her, but Kensi held onto him.

"Then stop acting like one," Kensi reprimanded before softening her voice and adding, "Ask if you need help."

"I don't need help," Callen denied. His voice was weak and certainly didn't help make his statement believable.

"Try telling that to your pale, almost death-like appearance in the mirror. Now let's get you back to bed."

Kensi had her arm around his waist and he was leaning against her, a moment of weakness. Callen straightened up, tried to move away and do it on his own but she was too strong.

"Stop it Kensi, just leave me alone. I don't want your help." Callen was mad at himself now and taking it out on her. He was stronger than this, but right now he felt almost as weak as a newborn kitten looked.

"Tough, you're getting it," Kensi said firmly, as she moved him back to bed. When they got near the bed and, as she was about to help him down, Callen gave it one last attempt to do it on his own and pulled away. He ended up falling on the bed as he lost his balance. The pain going through him caused him to groan. His hand went to his side, where it was most painful.

"Callen?" Kensi's voice was soft and full of concern.

He was an idiot. She was just trying to help.

"Go." Callen closed his eyes so he didn't have to see the disappointment he was sure was on her face at his behaviour. He heard her step away before she spoke again. This time he could hear the frustration and annoyance in her voice.

"Fine. You have to be the most stubborn person I've ever met and that's saying something! You want to land yourself back in hospital or the morgue, do it. I'm out of here. I've got to work." Kensi walked out of his room and slammed the door shut behind her.

Callen settled himself on the bed and took the pain medication he's been avoiding taking for the past two hours. He knew he'd overreacted and that he was an idiot for trying to do too much. He'd have to make it up to Kensi later. He felt the pain slowly subside and he drifted off to sleep.

* * *

 

Callen opened his eyes and saw her standing at the door. “Hey.”

"Hi," Alex replied.

"Am I dead again?" he asked. Considering his escapades earlier today, he thought he'd better check.

Alex chuckled and shook her head. "No, just dreaming."

Callen smiled. "Nice dream."

She smiled back, still standing by the door.

"You gonna join me?" he asked, indicating the other side of the bed.

"You inviting?" Alex started to move towards him.

"It's your spot, shouldn't need to invite you," he replied.

Alex moved onto the bed next to him. She propped her head up on one hand, so she could see him.

"So why'd you get mad at Kensi?" she asked him.

"Is that why you are here? To tell me off?" Callen already knew he'd been out of line.

"Not exactly. You already know you were wrong. But if you want me to repeat it...," Alex trailed off and waited. Callen shook his head and she continued. "I'm here because you want me to be. Perhaps you want to talk. Stranger things have happened."

Callen chuckled.

"I'm just frustrated. This whole recovery thing is going too slow," he admitted.

Alex reached out for his hand and slipped into his. "G, you've only been out of hospital two weeks. Technically, you should still be in there. You died, a few times. Aside from that, five bullets ripped you apart."

Callen could see the pain in her eyes at the thought of him being hurt. He'd seen it before she'd died so many times, no matter how bad it had been. Even the smallest injuries had done it.

"I don't need reminding." Callen raised her hand to his lips to kiss it gently, hoping it would take the pain out of her eyes. He hated seeing it there. It worked, unfortunately it didn't distract her from where she was headed with this conversation.

"Apparently you do. So why don't you start listening to us and take it easy."

"Us?" he repeated, eyebrows raised.

"Kensi, Sam, me, your doctors, Hetty," Alex listed.

"You know me. Can't stand doing nothing and being told to stay in bed."

"You'll stay in bed with the right motivation."

Callen grinned at her. "True, but since my motivation isn't around anymore," he looked at her and his look made it clear that she had been his reason for staying in bed. "Not so easy," he continued.

Alex blushed and smiled back at him.

"You need to rest. Let your body fix itself, unless you prefer the hospital beds to this one." she said softly.

"You know you are starting to sound like Kensi," he said.

"Who you should apologise to," she declared.

"I know," he agreed. Alex moved closer now and settled her head down on his chest, her arm around. He smiled and stroked her hair. Looks like she had gotten what she wanted out of him.

"Alex," he said tentatively.

"Yeah?"

"Girl or boy?" His voice was soft, unsure if he should be asking this.

"Girl," she replied softly, her fingers moving absently over his chest.

"Bet she would've looked like you." He'd tried to picture what their child would look like, but he'd never been able to come up with anything more than a miniature Alex. Which he would most definitely have been happy with.

"Your eyes and mouth, though her eyes have green sparkles in them. My hair," she said.

"Have?"

Alex looked up at him and bit her lip.

"Alex?" he asked.

"She had a soul G, even if she was so young. She's in your heart too," Alex admitted. Did that mean...

"Gonna let me see her?" he asked. Alex smiled softly, her eyes shining slightly.

"Not yet, but when you’re ready."

"When will that be?" Callen wanted to see, put a picture to that memory. Something to help ease the pain of those thoughts. If he had a face to focus on, maybe it would help.

Alex shrugged.

"Does she have a name?"

Alex smiled again.

"Lily," she answered. He smiled at that. It was her favourite flower.

"Pretty." Just like her mom. "Will you stay?" he asked.

"Always here."

Callen shook his head. "No, stay here until I go back to sleep."

"You are asleep," Alex replied with a grin.

"But not in my dream."

"I'll stay. It is your dream," she replied softly as she put her head back down on his chest.

"Goodnight Alex."

"Night G."

 


	8. Chapter 8

**_Inside Kensi's Head_ **

Two weeks.

Two weeks with the patient from ... Okay, so hell was probably too strong a word, but close.

Two weeks out of the hospital and she was this close to sending him back. And not just readmitting him either. He'd go back with some new injuries if he didn't settle down. It had only been a few days since the constant surveillance of him had stopped, since he had stopped behaving.

Two weeks and Sam could see it. Could see how frustrated she was with Callen. She was literally banging her head against her desk. It was obvious to everyone.

She went to Nate. Asked his advice for dealing with Callen. Told him what had happened in the kitchen. Nate's advice was to be patient. Callen was always going to be difficult. He hated depending on anyone. She'd protested about that. Callen depended on all of them daily with work. But as Nate reminded her, this wasn't about work. This was personal.

This was Callen's fight back to be Callen. The tough, invincible, slip away from the radar so well that you'll never find him again, G Callen. Work was his life and now, he was thrown into a personal battle with his own body and he didn't have his work to distract him. Adding to that, it was going to be a long, slow one. Nate was right. She needed to be patient with him. Plus, it would be good practice. She knew that she needed to wait for the right time before she could tell him how she felt.

Two weeks.

Two weeks of him in her home.

Two weeks of it feeling so right having him there.

Two weeks and then came the first sign that maybe, just maybe, he might be interested in more after all.

* * *

**_Callen's POV  
_ **

Kensi came home very late that night and he was already asleep.

Callen got up in the morning, carefully, and made his way out to the kitchen. Slowly, he pulled out the makings of breakfast, just toast, cereal; simple things. He moved them one by one to the table, resting whenever he needed to. He heard Kensi get up and the shower start and he sat down to wait.

Kensi came out, dressed and ready for work. She looked at the scene in front of her, surprised. Callen stood up and walked over to her.

"Kenz I'm sorry. I was an idiot yesterday."

"Yep," she agreed, making him smile.

"I know I still need help. It just so frustrating not being able to do simple things," he confessed. Kensi reached out and put a reassuring hand on his shoulder.

"You've done a pretty good job with breakfast," she said, indicating all the food on the table.

Callen smiled again. "Took a while."

"Sit down, I'll get the rest," Kensi offered as she moved her hand off his shoulder. 

Callen could still feel the heat from her hand. He shook his head. "It's okay, just need milk. I'll get it. I've been resting the whole time you've been in the shower."

Kensi nodded and moved out of his way. Callen went to the fridge, pulled out the milk bottle, turned and closed the fridge door. He dropped the bottle as the pain went through his side and he sucked in a deep breath which just hurt even more.

Kensi was by his side quickly.

"Callen." She put her arms around him and guided him gently to the chair.

"Callen, talk to me. You okay?" 

Kensi knelt down in front of him, looked up into his face. Their gazes locked for a moment and Callen saw the care in her eyes, saw the concern on her face. The thought flashed through his mind that she had such beautiful eyes, even though they didn't exactly match. They were so warm. He shook his head slightly and moved it so he wasn't looking down at her. She stood up and stepped away.

"I'm okay,” Callen said. “Moved the wrong way. Stupid. I've opened and closed doors all morning, no problem."

"So do me a favour?" Kensi asked, as she picked up the dropped bottle and moved to take a seat at the table.

Callen finally looked at her again. "What?" 

"Don't make me breakfast again for a while," she said with a grin.

"You haven't even tasted it," he protested.

Kensi shook her head. "Not the taste that's the problem."

Callen waited patiently for her to tell him exactly what the problem was.

"I like you with colour in your cheeks," Kensi added.

"No more making breakfast. For now," Callen agreed.

They ate quietly and Callen couldn't help thinking about how well she was taking care of him and there had been a moment when their eyes had locked when he was in pain. He'd temporarily forgotten what was wrong.

Mentally, Callen shook his head. 'Don't date cops' he said to himself. Then he heard Alex's voice.

'Remember you were going to think about ditching that rule.'

He looked up sharply. Her voice had been so clear and he was sure Kensi must have heard it, but Kensi just stood up and smiled.

"See you after work. Thanks for breakfast." Kensi moved away from the table and put the things back in the fridge before she left.

"Yeah," he replied, absently as his mind was still on Alex's words.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, got side tracked with life and a few other things! 
> 
> Not sure what happened but according to the listing that comes up when you browse I've only posted 7 chapters - but chapter 8 is there and this one is 9. Oh well. Hope you got to read the last one.

* * *

 

Callen slipped his arm around Alex as they went down the steps into the morning sunshine and walked to their cars.

"So, if you are home on time tonight, I have plans," Alex said.

"What kind of plans?" he asked, curious at the tone to her voice.

Alex smiled and reached up to kiss him. "Come home and you'll find out."

Callen pulled her to him, slipping both arms around her to hold her close and stopped their progress.

"Hint?"

Alex reached up and blew in his ear.

"Hey!" 

Alex grinned at his reaction. "Don't ask, just show up. You'll like," Alex promised with a smile.

They started walking again and then stopped at her car. Callen kissed her goodbye.

"Have a good day Detective."

"You too," Alex replied softly. 

Callen kissed her gently again and stepped away, smiling as he watched her fingers go to her lips and the soft smile form on her face. It always happened, like she was trying to hold onto his kiss. He liked it.

Callen turned toward his car and, after two steps, heard her scream. He turned around and saw Alex on the ground. Her shirt was turning red; she was bleeding.

"Alex!" Callen fell down next to her, one hand trying to find where the bleeding was coming from as he quickly pulled out his phone, dialed 911 and yelled for an ambulance.

There was so much blood. It had to be a bullet, he knew what that looked like. He was sure of it. When he realised just where the bullet had hit her, he froze.

"Alex," he whispered.

"G," she tried to speak.

"Don't, you'll be fine, just hold on." He tried to reassure her but he knew she'd know. Knew that she would see what he was trying to hide. There was too much blood.

"I," she coughed and the blood trickled out of her mouth.

"Alex," he begged.

"Sorry."

Callen pulled her into his arms, still desperately trying to stop the flow, but part of him knew there was nothing he could really do. He felt the tears fall down his face.

"I love you," he whispered.

"Love you too," she choked out as she moved to cover his hand with hers, the blood seeping through both. He hoped that maybe, somehow, she would make it until the ambulance got there, then they could do something. He heard the sirens in the distance, and a small ray of hope blossomed, as he looked up to try and see them.

"G." Alex's voice was so weak.

He looked down at Alex, she had tears falling down her cheeks; cheeks that were so pale.

"So sorry." Her eyes closed and she went limp in his arms.

"NO! ALEX!"

"ALEX!"

.

~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o

.

"Kensi, you need to wake up." Kensi turned around and looked in the direction the voice had come from. She saw a blonde woman looking at her.

"What?" she asked as she looked around. She couldn't work out where she was. Everything was just white. She must be dreaming but it looked like she was in the clouds.

"Please he needs you. Please wake up," the woman continued to beg her. Kensi looked back to her and frowned.

"Who?" she asked, as she noticed the tears on the other woman's face.

"G."

"Callen?" she queried.

The woman nodded. "Please. I can't help him with this. He needs you," she said to her.

"Who are you?" Kensi asked, confused.

"WAKE UP KENSI!"

Kensi woke up and sat up in bed abruptly, the woman's words from her dream still ringing in her ears. She shook her head slightly, but then heard the voice again, softly this time.

"Go. He needs you now."

Kensi got up, deciding perhaps she should check on him. At least so she could get back to sleep after that dream. She quietly opened his door and saw him moving around on his bed, as if trapped.

"Callen," she called out gently, concerned.

"NO! ALEX!... ALEX!" he screamed. Her heart started to race at the sound.

With that Callen sat up and opened his eyes. His breathing was ragged and heavy. The tears falling down his face. Kensi had never seen him like this before. She didn't even think she'd seen him cry at all.

"Callen," she repeated again, softly.

Callen looked up at her finally. He didn't say anything, just stared as the tears continued to fall. Kensi’s heart broke for the pain she saw in his eyes and she did the only thing she could; she moved forward and held him in her arms whilst he cried.

Callen accepted her comfort, held her as she sat there and held him. He didn't know for how long, he couldn't stop the tears now they had started. He’d only cried like this once for Alex. He'd never wanted to lose it again so he had only let himself cry when he’d felt in control so he could stop anytime. Not this time though. He'd fought so hard to push away the pain, concentrate on everything else. Even though he had cried, he'd never really let himself grieve. Seems like it wasn't only his body that was weak now.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Kensi asked, when he finally stopped and shifted away slightly.

Callen looked at her, not sure how much more he could take tonight.

"Who's Alex?" Kensi asked gently. She hoped she wasn't pushing too much, but maybe now was the time to try and help him.

Callen felt the pain in his heart increase at the sound of her name. ‘Talk G, please,’ he heard Alex beg him gently. He swallowed past the lump in his throat, opened his mouth to talk, unsure what was going to come out. Alex wanted him to. He wanted to. So he did.

"She was a detective with the LAPD. We fell in love. We were together for almost three years and ... she was killed."

"I'm sorry," Kensi said softly. That certainly explained the no cops rule he had. Then he continued and she listened.

"She died in my arms. She was shot. Just once, but the bullet cut through an artery and she bled out; there in my arms Kenz. Outside our home." A few stray tears escaped his eyes and he brushed them away. Kensi didn't say anything, just reached out and held his other hand, grateful when Callen didn't pull away and allowed her to continue to comfort him.

"The ambulance was so close, but it was too late."

There was so much more but he couldn't tell her, not yet. This was hard enough.

"Did you get the person who did it?" Kensi asked.

"Yeah, we got them."

There was such pain and hatred in Callen's voice that Kensi didn't ask for any more details. Hetty had said Alex was part of a dark time as well. She didn't want to push Callen back into that. She'd take what he'd given her and do what she could to help. Hetty had also said he may never tell her about Alex, so this had to be good.

"Do you want to watch a movie?" Kensi asked.

Callen looked up at her, confusion in his eyes.

"A movie?" 

Kensi smiled gently at him before she answered. "Yeah. Guessing you're not looking to go back to sleep."

Callen definitely wasn't going back to sleep. He was too awake, too alert and in too much pain. He needed a distraction. He glanced at the clock - it was three in the morning.

"You have to work," Callen said. 

Kensi shrugged. "Worked on less sleep than this." 

Kensi stood up and held out her hand to him. Callen took it and she gently helped him to his feet. Callen saw her briefly glance down at his chest and, at the slight blush on her cheeks, he realised he wasn't wearing a shirt. He walked over to the chair to grab one, before following her out to the lounge room.


	10. Chapter 10

**_Inside Kensi's Head_ **

Ten weeks since he was shot.

Seven weeks since he woke up.

Four weeks since he moved in.

Two weeks since that moment.

One week since his nightmare.

That was how she counted time these days. It revolved around him, his shooting, his recovery, milestones in their relationship. Before didn't matter. She just needed to be patient. She felt it. The time would come, when he was ready. Just as she had been.

But still, Callen was driving her crazy. He was getting better physically, could do more each day. But it wasn't enough for him. She'd had to get Sam and Hetty to have a word with him over the last week. He kept pushing himself. He said he was fine, but she worried. She had seen him pale a couple of times when he overdid it, but he refused to admit that anything was wrong.

They'd taken a step forward the night of the nightmare. He'd told her a little about Alex. Something Hetty had suggested he may never be ready to do. But then he'd pulled back. Like he had made a mistake talking about it, confiding in her. He hadn't, but she didn't know how to make him see that.

Again, she found herself talking to Nate. She tried to be subtle, not using names, but Nate knew about Alex. Hetty had told him, just so he could be prepared if something came up. "How do I help him?" she'd asked. Nate had told her he had only spoken Alex's name to Callen once. Callen had walked out of his office without a word and slammed the door shut to both his office and on that conversation so fast, that Nate felt like he had suffered whiplash. He'd never brought her name up again. The pain he'd witnessed in Callen's eyes in those brief moments before had turned away, had given Nate nightmares. He couldn't even imagine what it would be doing to Callen. Even though he knew Callen needed to talk, Nate also knew he wouldn't until he was ready. So until then, all Nate had been able to do was wait, watch and be there if Callen ever decided it was time. Nate had reassured her, "He's talking to you about her. He's never done that with me, with anyone that I know of. You are helping. Let him talk, when he wants to. That's all you can do at the moment. All any of us can do."

Ten weeks since she was able to admit that she loved him.

Seven weeks since the hope came over her that he would make it.

Four weeks since her life changed for the second time.

Two weeks since he'd looked at her with something else in his eyes, when there should have been pain.

One week since she saw him in a way she had never seen before - so much pain and tears, so vulnerable. He let her help him, hold him and, if it were possible, she'd fallen even more in love with him at that moment.


	11. Chapter 11

* * *

 

"You're frustrated again."

Callen rolled over on the bed at the sound of Alex's voice to look at her.

"Of course I am. I can do things but they won't let me."

Callen had had enough, he wanted to move on, hated being stuck at home, not able to just go out and take a walk without supervision.

"They just want to make sure you don't hurt yourself."

"Come on Alex, be on my side for once." Callen got up off the bed as he spoke and started pacing.

"I am on your side. I'm always on your side," Alex defended, as she took a step closer to him, though he continued to pace.

"Then how about you hop into their dreams and tell them to ease off?"

Alex shook her head. "No," she stated simply.

"Why not?" Callen stopped pacing and looked at her, held her gaze, well at least tried to. It finally registered in his brain what she was wearing. A loose, soft, off the shoulder purple top and matching skirt that came down just to her knees, and her feet were bare. He'd always love her in that.

"Because I love you,” Alex said, “and want you to get better, not worse."

Callen looked back at her face at her words and smiled. He heard the love and concern in her voice.

"I won't get worse." It came out more as a soft promise than the firm statement it had originally been in his mind.

"G, you-"

Callen cut her off, the frustration coming back.

"I feel fine. I feel perfectly normal," he declared.

Alex rolled her eyes at him. "You're dreaming G. Of course you do.”

"So in my dreams I can do anything?"

"Anything you want."

"Good." Callen stepped over to her and pulled her into his arms. He watched her face and smiled, as he saw the desire flash through her eyes, the flecks in her eyes shining even brighter with it as they always did when she wanted him. He slipped one of his hands behind her head and he slowly lowered his. Stopping just an inch away from her lips, he whispered, "Anything I want?"

"Anything," she replied softly.

Callen closed the distance and his lips touched hers. He pulled her tighter against him and slipped his tongue past her open and inviting lips to explore the mouth he knew so well. She tasted and felt just like he remembered. Alex groaned and sank further into him. She slipped her arms around his neck and held on tight as he continued his exploration. Then she took over and explored his.  His hand ran down her back and pressed her body against his so she could feel how much he wanted her. He lifted her up, her legs wrapping around him and moved them to the bed, lowering her carefully, after breaking off the kiss.

Callen held his weight off her and looked into her eyes. "Not complaining this isn't taking it easy?"

Alex gave a soft chuckle. "Have I ever complained about this?"

Callen smiled. "No."

"Not going to start now," she added as she pulled his head back down to hers.

As they kissed, he continued to hold his weight off her, giving him room to run his other hand gently over her body, relearning her curves; not that he'd forgotten. As his hand moved, her body arched against him, wanting more. He broke off the kiss and moved to her neck, kissing down to her collarbone where he ran his tongue gently over it before he kissed the hollow at the base of her throat. He heard and felt her moan and smiled. Even after all this time he still knew what she liked. He moved further down, his hand easily pushed her top off her shoulder and down. One of the reasons he liked that top so much. His hand slipped down to cup her breast as his mouth found the other and she arched against him once more. His thumb flicked the peak and another breathless, moan escaped her lips. This time, the one he was waiting for; his name.

"G."

Callen smiled against her and slowly kissed his way back up her neck, following his previous path, to her ear.

"I love you," he whispered. He lifted his head and moved back to kiss her and froze when he saw the mismatched brown eyes looking up at him, brown hair spread out on the pillow.

"Kenz?" She smiled up at him and he slowly lowered his head.

Callen sat up in shock, his eyes wide and alone in the bed. His hands ran over his face, the dream still vivid in his mind.

"Not here huh," he asked quietly, as he looked around the room once more. Part of him knew she wouldn't be. He didn't want her to know what had just happened in his dream. At least, he didn't want to know that she knew.

Callen glanced at the clock on his bedside table. Six am. Kensi wouldn't be up for another hour and he was in need of a cold shower. He stood up carefully, trying to remember that he couldn't move quite as well as in his dream and got his towel off the hook on the back of the door, quickly crossing the hall to the bathroom.

Callen turned off the shower, roughly dried himself, and wrapped the towel around his waist. He stepped out of the bathroom, taking one step into the hall before being crashed into by Kensi.

Callen reached out to grab her before she could fall, absently thinking that his reflexes were still pretty good. Thoughts of reflexes though, fled as he felt sparks when his hands rested on her almost bare shoulders. Kensi looked at him in shock and he couldn't pull his gaze away from her as she blushed.

"You okay?" Callen hoped she wouldn’t ask him the same thing.

Kensi nodded and, as Callen was about to step away from her, his towel fell off, landing at his feet. He froze and saw Kensi swallow nervously, the towel having fallen onto her feet as well. His dream flashed before his eyes and he silently groaned.

Kensi swallowed again before she spoke. "Perhaps you should get that." She turned and fled back to her room.

Callen picked up the towel and momentarily debated going for another shower, but decided against it. He crossed the hall into his room, closed the door, put his head back against it and closed his eyes. He took a deep breath and could smell her familiar scent.

"Alexandria Callista Baltimore," he said, emphasising each part of her name.

"You know how I hate to be called that."

Callen opened his eyes and saw her sitting on the edge of the bed, dressed exactly the same as she had been in his dream. That did not help.

"Did you have anything to do with what just happened?" he asked.

Alex chuckled and shook her head.

Callen narrowed his eyes at her, not believing her.

"Couldn't have planned it so well if I had," she added.

"Alex." His tone a warning one. He didn't want her playing cupid. How could he be good enough for someone else, whilst he still loved her?

"G.” She stood up and walked over to him slowly. "You do know that you've never really bothered to wrap the towel around your waist properly."

Callen frowned and Alex grinned.

"Come on,” she said. “You either lived alone so it didn't matter or you were with me and then neither of us minded if the towel didn't stay on."

"I'm not sure I believe you," Callen said again. She was close now, within arms reach.

"I'm in your heart and your head, I can't actually do anything."

Callen reached out and touched her bare shoulder. "You feel pretty real to me."

"That's because you remember what I feel like."

"So you didn't cause the towel to fall?" he asked.

"Nope," she replied.

"Or Kensi to be coming down the hall quickly at the right moment to crash into me?"

"Nope," she repeated as she shook her head.

Callen continued to look at her as he started to believe that she might actually be innocent.

Then she smiled, and it wasn't an innocent one. "Just because I can do this in your mind, doesn't mean I can do it for real," she said as her hands went to the towel around his waist and it fell to the floor.

Callen looked into her eyes and saw the same look of desire as earlier.

"Alex?" His fingers running gently over her cheek.

"Can't help it, still love you," she admitted.

Callen caught her lips with his and she responded instantly, fully, as she always had. He pulled back and whispered, "Don't disappear this time."

"Your dream, your choice."

"Stay," he begged.

"Always." Callen ran his hands down her back to find it bare. He raised his eyebrows and she gave a little shrug and smiled.

"Your dream."

Callen lifted her up again and carried her to the bed, lowering her gently. As he followed her down and settled above her, he could feel her body, perfectly matched up with his. Could feel her heat, feel that she was ready for him and he couldn't hold back. Neither could she. She matched his movements to take him deep into her body. He lowered his head to her neck and breathed in her scent as he took some calming breaths. He didn't want to rush this, but when she moved, he groaned and lifted his head to look back at her face. He saw the the woman he had loved for so long beneath him and whispered her name.

Alex smiled up at him and he kissed her again as they began to move together.

Knock, knock, knock.

His eyes flew open and he found himself standing at the door, towel still around his waist.

"Callen?" he heard Kensi's voice from the other side of the door.

"What is it?" he managed to respond.

"I've got to go. Work ... See you tonight?" She sounded unsure. So was he.

"Yeah. Tonight."

Callen heard the front door close and let out a breath he hadn't realised he had been holding. Slowly, he slid down the smooth surface of the door and sat on the floor, holding his head in his hands. He wondered whether Alex was right. Could he possibly love two women the same, but different? Because he sure felt physically attracted to those two women at the same time. He shook his head. Considering he was spending so much time dreaming about Alex, and how real it felt, perhaps he was just going crazy.

Callen muttered to himself, "Maybe I should talk to Nate." He took a deep breath, as he did he could smell the floral scent that was Alex, and heard her voice in his head respond.

‘You know you should.’

 


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry. I keep getting sidetracked with other stories and forget to bring this over. Will look at putting all the rest of the chapters up in one hit when I have time. For now, here's the next one, a reasonable sized one this time. Enjoy
> 
> ~o~o~o~o~o designates change from present to flashback etc. Normal line just a change of scene in that part.

* * *

 

Later that day, Sam walked through Kensi's front door and closed it behind him.

"Time to talk G. What's going on with you?" Sam demanded, as he sat down next to him on the couch.

Callen frowned. "What do you mean?"

"Kensi's distracted and worried about you."

Callen looked away from Sam’s accusing gaze. "She's not the only one."

"So, what's the deal?"

Callen faced Sam and thought for a moment. Sam was his best friend. If he could talk to anyone about this, surely it would be him. So, for the second time in as many weeks, he opened his mouth to talk, unsure what he would reveal.

"Have you ever seen something that you know wasn't really there but, it seemed so real, felt so real?"

"No.” Sam shook his head. “Have you?"

"Yeah," Callen admitted.

"What?"

Callen shook his head, "Not what. Who?"

"Who?" Sam frowned.

"Alex."

When he didn't elaborate Sam asked, "Who's Alex, G?"

Callen took a deep breath, let it out and then answered. "She was my fiancée."

Sam's eyebrows raised, his tone shocked as he said, "You were engaged?"

"Yeah."

"When?"

Callen paused before answering. "Six years ago."

"What happened?" Sam asked him.

Callen knew Sam wouldn't push. If he didn't want to say anything more he could stop now. But why stop? Maybe it was finally time to start.

"She was killed. Murdered."

Shock flared crossed Sam’s features, more than before.

Callen pushed on. "She was shot, once. Bleed out in my arms in just a couple of minutes."

Sam shuddered.

Callen could see that Sam had a rough idea how hard that must have been given that Sam had been the who had held onto him after he'd been shot.

"Man, I'm sorry. You never told me about her."

Callen sighed and shook his head. "Too hard," he admitted. Even now it was but at the same time, it felt good.

"You wanna talk now?"

This time Callen nodded. "I keep seeing her Sam, in my dreams. She was there when I died. Every time. Encouraging me to come back, to live."

Sam was patient and didn’t interrupt, just waited for him to be ready to continue.

"It's so real,” Callen said. “She feels so warm, so soft. I … I still love her Sam. Everything is still as it was, all the feelings, the emotions." Callen sat back and let his head drop back on the couch.

"Any idea why you're seeing her?" Sam asked him.

Callen shrugged."Not sure. Probably because I want to. I've missed her, and now I have her back, at least a little. I don't want to let go. But..."

"But what?" Sam prodded encouragingly.

Callen sat up and rubbed a hand across his face.

"It's Kenz. Something's happening there. But I..." He really didn't know how to continue.

"Don't want it to?" Sam suggested.

Callen shook his head. "I don't know. I never thought I could ... I don't know if I can love anyone else like that."

Sam took a moment before he said anything. "Maybe it's time to move on."

Callen looked at Sam and gave a small smile. "You sound like Alex."

Sam raised his eyebrow in question.

"She wants me to let her go, to love someone else," Callen explained.

Sam frowned. "She's not just memories?"

Callen shook his head again, stood up, started to pace around the small room. He wondered whether Sam might think he was going crazy.

"No,” Callen admitted. “She's even told me off for losing it with Kensi the other week."

Sam chuckled. The sound made him smile.

"If you like that, you'll love that she didn't back down from Hetty," he added.

"She stood up to Hetty?" Seemed like it was a good day for shocking Sam.

"Yep."

"Why?"

Callen sat back down next to Sam before he started talking again. It was getting easier, and even though he had complained to Alex about how Sam was a pain, he was a pretty good listener.

"A couple of months after I started with OSP, we were protecting this guy, Parker. Turned out they had someone inside NCIS and they got him and me. Hetty and the team were trying to find us, but couldn't. Eventually she went to Alex. Alex had been looking for Parker, he'd been reported missing to them. She was a detective with the LAPD. Hetty had to keep blocking their investigation. When she told Alex that I was missing, Alex wasn't impressed and told her off. At least that's the impression I got from both of them, though they would never tell me anything more."

"To be a fly on the wall of that conversation," Sam said with a chuckle.

"Well, it certainly impressed Hetty,” Callen said with a smile. “Took them another week to find us. It was tough on Alex, especially at the end."

"What happened?"

Callen leaned back on the couch, let the memories wash over him and told Sam the story.

~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~

"NCIS. Put down your weapons," Callen heard a voice yell. He couldn't place the voice, his head was still dizzy from the beating he'd just taken. He felt himself pulled up out of the chair and a gun placed against his head.

"Anyone else move and he dies."

"Put it down Walsh. It's over." This voice he knew, would know no matter how dizzy he was, and he wondered if he was dreaming. What was Alex doing here?

"Ah, Detective Baltimore. It's been a while," Walsh said in that insipid tone of his.

"Not long enough. Let him go," Alex responded firmly.

"No." Walsh held him in front as a shield and turned toward the sound of her voice. Callen looked up at Alex. She looked hurt. Her lip was bleeding and he could see a bruise forming on her face. There was blood on her shirt too, but he couldn't work out where it was from.

"Walsh, your men have put down theirs, now you," said that other voice. Now he could place it. Taylor, member of his team.

"If I do that, you'll just shoot me. I'm not going back to jail. Let me go and I'll send him back to you, battered but alive."

"No," Alex said firmly.

"What are you going to do, Detective? Going to shoot me?"

"If I have to."

Walsh chuckled and it sent a shudder through Callen at how emotionless it sounded. "You won't, because you'll hit him instead and I know how you _feel_ about him."

"You really want to test my aim?" Alex almost growled.

Walsh chuckled again. Callen knew that tone with Alex. It was one you didn't want to mess with. "When was the last time you killed someone Detective? You don't have the balls."

Walsh started to back away to the door, with him still held in front. If only his head wasn't still spinning he'd be able to help. But if he tried something right now, he'd probably just get himself or someone else hurt or worse.

"Walsh! Don't move!" Taylor yelled.

The click of the gun against his head made him freeze as Walsh cocked it, one step closer to firing.

Just after that Callen heard a gunshot and Walsh collapsed, letting him go. It was followed by more shots. Callen moved towards Alex as soon as he was released, with Nathan stepping around him as he got closer to her, which put him between them and Walsh.

Callen heard Taylor's voice behind him with Walsh, "He's gone," and then he was in Alex's arms.

"G?" she whispered.

"I'm okay," Callen reassured her as he looked at her face.

"Not looking so good," Alex said as she stroked his gently. Callen saw the pain in her eyes; for him, not for her.

"Yeah? You're not either." Callen carefully wiped the blood off her lip. She smiled again. He gently kissed her and when he pulled back, he whispered. "I'm fine, and you're still beautiful."

"Let's get out of here," Alex said.

"Best idea I've heard in a long time," he replied.

~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~

"So she saved you?" Sam asked.

"Yeah. Walsh pushed her too far and she was a pretty good shot. She took the shot that broke his hold on me. Taylor took him down after that," Callen replied. "She had a lot of bruising, but thankfully that was it. They'd had to fight their way in to where we were."

Callen smiled as he remembered what came next.

"Hetty sent us away for a couple of weeks, once all the paper work was done. A beach house, private beach. Gave us time to recover and spend some time together."

"Nice. Think we can get Hetty to do that for us sometime?" Sam asked.

"You want to go with me to a beach house with a private beach?" Callen looked at Sam. "Didn't know you felt that way." Sam chuckled and Callen smiled. It was good to be able to share Alex with Sam finally.

"Was it nice?" Sam asked, turning serious again.

Callen nodded. "Yeah. I proposed there."

"You know something, can't see you doing that," Sam said with a shake of his head. "You, serious about a girl. I take it she said yes?"

Callen nodded and remembered, this time though he didn't tell Sam the story.

~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o

It was three days before they were due to head back. Callen slipped out of bed, found what he was looking for in his bag and then went back to her. Alex was still asleep, slightly tangled in the sheets. He smiled. Carefully, so as not to wake her, Callen put the ring in her hand and closed her fingers around it. Then he waited. When she woke, she smiled sleepily at him and then frowned, as she realised he was holding her hand closed. She could obviously feel something was inside.

"What?" Alex pushed herself up and looked from him to her hand and back again.

Callen smiled but kept hold of her hand. "I couldn't believe it when I heard your voice when Walsh had me. I wondered why you were there," he said.

"To get you back," Alex responded.

"How'd I had managed to get so lucky and find you?" His free hand ran gently down her arm. “Have you love me, broken and battered as I am."

"You're healing up just fine," Alex said with a smile.

Callen shook his head. "I don't mean the bruises or-" Alex shook her head and he stopped.

"Neither did I," she said.

"I don't want to lose you, ever." Callen finally let go of her hand and she looked down. A surprised gasp escaping from her lips and Alex looked back at him.

"Marry me."

"You ... are you sure?" she asked. Callen couldn't blame her. They'd never really spoken about getting married. They both knew he wasn't really the type for it. Especially after he'd started with OSP, given the danger involved with his job. At least he hadn't thought he was. Somewhere along the line, he'd changed. Because of her.

"This ... you and me. It's the only thing I am sure of. I love you Alex. I won't ever stop."

Alex held the ring out to him and Callen frowned. She laughed softly.

"You don't expect me to put it on myself do you?" she asked him.

"Is that a yes?"

"Course it is. How could I say no?"

"Easy," Callen replied. "You had enough practice before you said yes to our first date."

"G, I love you. Yes, I will marry you. Now please, can we see if the ring fits?"

"It will," Callen said confidently and slid it on.

~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~

"How'd you two meet?" Sam asked him as Callen drifted back from his memory.

Callen shook his head and focused. Sam was looking at him funny so he had a feeling he'd zoned out with that memory.

"I was working with DEA at the time. We had someone in our custody for drug trafficking. She wanted him for murder. In she walked and demanded that we hand him over." Callen smiled at the memory. She'd seemed so confident. "My boss wasn't too happy about it."

"What did you do?"

"We already had him and could keep him in custody for a couple of weeks but anything longer than that would be pushing it. Handing him over was a risk, but she could get him put away for longer so I offered to go over her evidence, make sure it was an airtight case. That she had enough to deem him a flight risk and ensure he'd be locked up for the duration of the trial.” Callen chuckled. “She wasn't too happy at the idea of someone looking over her shoulder or doubting her work. Took us a week to make sure.” It should have only been a few days but Callen had found ways to delay it, get more time with her. Not that it helped at the time.

"You fell in love then?" Sam asked.

Callen laughed a little.

"Not exactly. I liked what I saw from the first moment. She didn't want anything to do with me. Believe me, I tried."

"Turned you down, did she?" Sam chuckled this time.

"More than I care to remember," Callen told him. "Never had any problem with the no cops rule until then, but I couldn't get her out of my head."

Callen stood up and Sam followed him to the kitchen. Callen continued with his story as he got them both a drink.

"Four weeks later, she had someone we wanted and I went to her, demanding she hand him over. She found that highly amusing."

"Why?"

Callen smiled. "Because I used the same words she did to us. She lost it and could barely breath, she was laughing too much."

"You were that funny?" Sam asked. Callen shook his head. "Didn't think so," Sam said.

"No. She'd been having a bad day and, apparently, desperately needed to laugh about something. I made the most of it and asked her out to dinner."

"Did she agree?"

"Finally." They both sat back down on the couch.

"What happened then?"

Callen smiled. "I made a decent impression and we continued. Couple of months later we moved in together."

"How long?"

"Almost three years.”

Sam let out a whistle, "Man, that's a long time for you."

"A lifetime," Callen said softly. A whole other life.

"So what are you gonna do, about Kenz?" Sam asked.

Callen shook his head. "I don't know Sam, I … I don't know."

"Just make sure you don't hurt her. Cause I don't want to have to hurt you," Sam warned.

"I don't want to hurt her Sam," he replied. He was scared that he would.

Sam perhaps sensing that Callen had shared enough for one day said, "I'd better go. You need me, call." Sam stood up and moved to the door.

"Will do," Callen replied as he rested back against the couch and closed his eyes.

"G," called Sam from the door.

"Yeah?" Callen opened his eyes and looked over at Sam.

"Would've liked Alex."

Callen smiled. "She would've liked you too."

Sam left and closed the door. Callen wasn't ready to think about what he was going to do about Kensi, so he let his mind drift back to those meetings with Alex. He wondered if this was what grieving was supposed to be like; talking and thinking about someone and it gradually hurting less as you did.

.

~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o

Callen looked up at the sound of footsteps clicking briskly on the floor. Striding toward them, with a determined look on her face, was a woman with blonde hair and green eyes flecked with grey sparkles, at least that's what it looked like to him. He had a hard time taking in anything more than those eyes, though she didn't look at him.

"Agent Blake?" she asked as she stopped at his boss's desk.

"Yes. You are?" She pulled out her I.D.

"Detective Alex Baltimore, LAPD. You have someone in custody, we want him."

"Who?" Blake asked after checking her I.D

"Franco De Leter," she replied.

Callen stood up and moved over to join them, the name familiar. "Sorry. We've got charges pending."

"I know, so do we." She only briefly glanced at him.

"What kind?" Callen asked.

"Murder," Alex replied.

"Sorry." Blake answered with a shake of his head. Callen knew how much his boss wanted this guy. They'd been after him for a long time, where still trying to gather the evidence needed to lock him away. But they needed to keep him out of field. They could do that for two weeks. It was going to take a lot to get him to hand him over, unless she could prove they could.

Alex shook her head. She obviously wasn't going to accept his answer. "Look if I have to get a court order I will. But I want him."

"How badly?" Callen asked, as he stepped slightly closer to her.

Alex turned to him. "Who are you?" she asked. She sounded frustrated. Callen tried not to smile.

"Agent Callen." He held out his hand and she shook it, though he noticed she seemed reluctant. He couldn't believe how soft her hand was and before he could stop it the thought crossed his mind about what the rest of her would be like.

"We have enough evidence to put him away for the murder of a young girl,” Alex said, “the daughter of one of his employees, well ex employee now." Alex turned back to Callen’s boss.

"How strong is your case?" Blake asked.

"Strong enough," she replied, though Callen noticed a brief flash of doubt go over her face that he was focused on. He was sure Blake saw it too.

Blake shook his head as he sat back on his chair, getting comfortable. "Not good enough. If you want him, you need to prove that you have enough to ensure he spends the entire time in jail between now and the trial. Otherwise, we get him first. "

"How strong is your case?" Alex asked boldly.

"Guaranteed ten years. For now we have enough to keep him locked up for the next couple of weeks."

Alex raised her eyebrows. "I can put him away for at least thirty."

"But only if you have an airtight case," Callen interrupted before Blake could speak again. Alex turned to look at him.

"We're close."

"Not good enough." his boss said. Callen saw the frustration grow in her eyes. Obviously she wanted this guy badly.

"Why don't we work together?" he suggested to her.

"What?" Alex sounded shocked in addition to the frustration.

This time Callen did smile. "I check over what you've got, make sure it's airtight, then we'll release him to you."

"Sounds good."

Callen noticed his boss was trying not to laugh at the look on her face as he spoke.

" _Y_ _ou'll_ check over my work? I don't even know you," Alex responded.

Callen could see the irritation on her face at having her work doubted. He couldn't really blame her. He wouldn't like it either.

"So get to know me," he replied.

Alex didn't say anything, just watched him. He could almost see her mind debating whether it was worth it. He hoped she would think it was.

"You want him, that's the deal," he reaffirmed.

"Fine. Let's go," Alex agreed, though frustration and irritation radiated from her. She turned and started to walk away. Callen grinned at his boss and picked up his jacket and keys and quickly followed.

Alex looked at him as he caught up with her at the elevator but she didn't say anything, neither did he. They stepped in and he stood close, breathing in slowly and deeply he could smell her scent, flowers - lilies maybe. He looked at her and she was facing the door, keeping her gaze from him. Callen couldn't resist the soft looking skin on the back of her neck that was exposed because her hair was in a ponytail. Carefully, he raised up his hand and briefly touched the skin, softer than even her hands. She turned to look at him, but by then his hand was back where it should be and an innocent look on his face. Alex frowned and then turned away.

"So, what if we get a late lunch? I haven't eaten yet," he suggested.

"I have."

He tried again. "So, have a coffee whilst I eat."

"Are you trying to ask me out on a date Agent Callen?" Alex asked as they stepped out of the elevator.

"Is it working?"

"No offense, but I'm not interested."

"In general or in me in particular."

"Leave it Callen," Alex said firmly.

"No."

Alex spun around and he stopped. "You know you are really infuriating," she told him.

"You barely know me. How can you possibly come to that conclusion already?"

Alex rolled her eyes and started walking again as she answered. "Because the majority of the time I have spent with you, you have been."

"Why won't you have lunch with me?" Callen asked.

Alex briefly glanced over at him. "You don't give up do you?"

Callen shook his head, not that she would see it since she was watching where she was going "Nope."

"Fine."

They walked out the front door and when he was by her side again he asked, "You'll have lunch with me?" In that brief moment, he already knew where to take her and then she shot him down.

"No. Won't touch DEA agents with a ten foot pole."

"Sorry?" Now he was confused.

"The reason I won't have lunch with you."

"Don't let some idiotic male in the agency put you off the rest of us." Admittedly, this was a huge assumption on his part that she'd previously dated one.

"Not a guy."

"Girl?" Callen stopped in shock. Alex turned to look at him, and he caught the smile that she was trying to hide.

"Yeah." She turned and walked to her car and got in.

"Wouldn't have picked that," he muttered to himself as he managed to get in the car before she left without him.

He glanced at her once he’d done up his seat belt. This time she was smiling and she gave him hope with her next words.

"It was a female DEA agent who broke my brother's heart. Don't intend on following in his footsteps."

"So you think I could break your heart?"

"Not interested Agent Callen." Alex looked away and started the car.

Callen grinned. "We'll see." He was sure he heard her groan.

* * *

 

Callen saw her sitting at her desk and smiled. He walked over to her. "Detective Baltimore, you have someone in custody, we want him."

Alex looked up from her paperwork to him and he saw shock in her eyes."Who?" she asked trying not to smile.

"Jacob Walsh."

She failed.

"Sorry, we've got charges pending," she answered with a smile that almost made him forget why he was here. Probably because it reached her eyes and he always got distracted by her eyes. He remembered the familiar words and followed her lead.

"If I have to get a court order I will. But I want him."

Alex started to laugh, and she didn't seem able stop. Callen started to move toward her, for some reason concerned, when someone put a hand on his shoulder. He turned and frowned.

"Don't stop her," Nathan, Alex's partner, warned him with a shake of his head.

"Why not?" They both glanced over at Alex. Nathan smiled and then turned back to him.

"Bad day, she needs this. Plus, if you want to get something out of her, it's so much easier when she's happy."

"You seem to know her well. Just professional or personal?" he asked, wondering if he'd missed something when he'd been working with them on the De Leter case a month ago.

"Both, she's like a sister to me." Nathan eyed him up and down, assessing him. He saw the protective look in his eye and was impressed.

"So she says yes more often when she's happy?"

Nathan nodded.

"Thanks."

Callen turned back and Nathan left. Alex was still trying to control her laughter. Callen smiled and moved close. Leaning down, his hands on the arms of her chair for support, he looked her right in the eyes.

"Have dinner with me," he said softly

Alex’s eyes went wide and the laughter stopped. He saw her swallow nervously as her gaze dropped to his lips and back to his eyes. She blushed when she saw that he had witnessed that small telltale movement of her eyes.

"Why?" she asked, her voice soft.

"I'd like to see you laugh again."

Alex was quiet for for a moment and then smiled.

"All right. Dinner," she agreed. Callen held his tongue even though he was tempted to ask her to repeat her answer. He was that shocked that she had agreed.

Instead he asked, "Now, what about Walsh?"

"You can have him. We've only got him for petty theft." Alex tried to turn back to her paperwork, but he still had his hands on her chair. She looked back at him. He smiled.

"Thank you, Detective Baltimore." He wasn't meaning for Walsh.

"Not a problem, Agent Callen." He had a feeling, from the look in her eyes, that she wasn't either.

Callen straightened up. "Tomorrow night, seven. Dress up," he instructed before he turned and walked away.

"You forgot to tell me where," Alex called out to him.

Callen turned around. "I'll pick you up."

Alex frowned. "You don't know where I live."

"Are you sure about that?" Callen smiled, turned and left.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Serious apologies. I forgot all about this one. Thanks to Talisha for the reminder. I'll be getting the rest of the chapters up asap, hopefully all within the next few days.

* * *

 

A couple of nights later, after his talk with Sam, Callen was watching a movie with Kensi. He looked over at a part he knew she found funny and found her asleep. He turned the TV off and watched her for a few moments. She looked fragile. He still didn't know what he was going to do about this thing that seemed to be between them. He didn't want to hurt her and unfortunately, he felt like he would.

Callen stood up and bent to pick her up, planning on moving her back to her own bed. Before he could, he heard a loud voice, "G Callen, don't you dare!" He turned around and saw Alex standing there.

"What?" He wasn't asleep, that he was sure of. He hadn't even been thinking about her, so why was she here?

"Don't you dare do something so stupid as to pick her up," Alex repeated.

Callen glanced back down at Kensi and then returned his gaze to Alex.

"I was just going to put her to bed."

Alex shook her head. Callen could see that she was upset with him. He just hadn't figured out why yet.

"You'll hurt yourself." A lone tear slipped down her face.

Callen frowned, "Alex?"

Alex wiped away the tear and headed toward his bedroom. 

Callen followed, after he had covered Kensi with a blanket. He closed the door and turned to face her, seeing that more tears were falling down her cheeks. He moved closer.

"Alex, what's wrong?"

"Are you trying to join me? Is that what you really want?" Alex asked him through the tears.

Callen frowned. "No," he answered without hesitation. If she'd asked him that just a few weeks ago, he'd have had to think about it.

"No? ... Good. But if you'd picked her up, you could..." Alex stopped.

Callen stepped closer to her and reached out to brush away the tears.. "Guess I'm lucky I've got you," he said softly.

"You didn't even think did you?" Alex whispered.

Callen shook his head. "No." He hadn't. He just wanted to take care of Kensi. He hadn't thought about the fact that he still wasn't allowed to do any heavy lifting, as it still had the potential to cause his newly healed injuries rip open again.

Alex stepped closer and looked up at him. "So why were you going to do it?"

"She'd be more comfortable in bed," Callen admitted.

Alex shook her head slightly. "You know that where she is sleeping now probably ranks in the top five of the most comfortable places she's ever slept," she reminded him. When Callen didn't respond, she continued. "Come on G, when are you going to open your eyes and see that you do actually care about her, more than just as a team member. You certainly wouldn't have tried to do that with Sam."

If she hadn't been so serious Callen would’ve laughed at the idea of him trying to pick up Sam.

"Alex, -" he started to protest, though he had a feeling it was more a habit. He'd been so used to denying his feelings for anyone else but her. Alex shook her head at him and he stopped.

"No G. Why do you think I'm here?" Alex stepped away and started pacing. "Do you think it is to remind you of what's waiting for you? To make you think you're going crazy?"

"I don't know." Callen really wasn't sure anymore. He loved having her back, having her here, helping him through the pain. But that was mostly gone now. And he was still holding on, still didn't want her to go. Again, he didn't know why, just knew that he still needed her, somehow.

Alex stopped pacing and turned to face him. "You want me here. You need help because you are just so damn stubborn that you won't actually try and move on without someone giving you a kick in the pants to do it." Callen smiled and raised his eyebrows. Alex wasn't usually one to swear. She must be rather upset with him.

"You finished?" he asked. 

Alex shook her head. "No. I love you. This is the way I will be forever." She moved over to him, placed her hands on his chest and looked up at him. Behind the tears he could see the desperation in her eyes as she tried to make him understand what was going on.

"What I was when I died, is what I will always be. Which means I will always love you and I will always be here for you," she continued. Callen saw the tears fall from in her eyes. She reached up and placed her hand on his cheek. "But it also means that I want you happy and living in the present, not waiting to die so you can join the past. You need to let me go, but it won't mean I'll leave you. I have nowhere else to go G. Nowhere else I want to be."

"And you want me to fall in love with Kensi?" Callen asked. Alex took a shaky breath before she answered.

"I want you to be open to loving someone again. I don't know if it will be Kensi. But whilst you hold onto me, you're not free to hold onto someone else. And you don't need to hold onto me. I'm not going anywhere." More tears escaped from both her eyes and Callen cupped her face in his hands as his thumbs brushed them away.

"I don't know if I can do this," he admitted softly. Alex smiled at him.

"That's why I'm here. To help."

"Seems a strange thing for you to be helping me with."

Alex grinned as she blinked back the tears still in her eyes. "Who would you prefer? Hetty, Gibbs or me?"

Callen raised his eyebrows. "Those were my choices?" He was glad that it was her.

"We're the only ones really able to get through to you. Everyone else just bashes their head against a brick wall. Sam's almost there but not quite yet." Alex waited as her words sunk in before she continued. "Do I need to resign?"

Callen smiled down at her and shook his head. "No."

"Good." Alex slipped her arms around him and held him. "Why won't you open up to her? She can understand so much more than you think."

"You know her do you?" Callen asked.

Alex didn't answer, just continued to hold him and wait. Her and her gentle ways of getting him to talk. They still worked.

"I don't think I could survive losing" - he stopped. "She could die on any day, any mission."

Alex looked up at him, pulling back slightly so she could see his face, though her arms still stayed around him. "So could you."

Callen shrugged. This time she pulled away and started pacing again before she spoke.

"Gee I really wish I could hop into Gibbs' dreams and give him a piece of my mind for that damn rule."

Callen raised his eyebrows. That was definitely something he wouldn't mind seeing. She turned to face him.

"Look G, you took a chance with me. Was it really that bad dating a cop?"

"No." Of course it hadn't been. Alex smiled and moved back to him again.

"Do you regret our time together, even if it was cut short?" she asked.

"No. You know I don't." Callen would never regret a moment of their time together.

"That's a start." Alex took a deep breath and reached up and kissed him on the cheek.

"Get some sleep and please, think. Don't make me have to do this to you again. I much prefer the subtlety of your dreams."

"You weren't so subtle the other morning."

Alex blushed. "That was your dream not mine."

Callen looked down at her, eyebrows raised. 

Alex smiled back. "Never said I didn't like it," she admitted.

"Why did you disappear from it the first time?"

"Funny things, dreams. Sometimes they tell us things we already know but don't want to admit."

"Alex," Callen warned.

Alex caught her bottom lip between her teeth and stopped. He knew that sometimes it was the only way she could stop herself from saying something.

"How can I feel something for someone else,” Callen asked, “when I still feel so much for you?" He pulled her into his arms, tilted her face up to him, resting his hand on her cheek as he continued. "Still love you Alex. Still miss you, still want you."

Alex closed her eyes briefly, as he stroked her cheek.

"I know. But G, I'm the past, not the future." Callen could hear the tears in her voice, the sadness there at what they had lost as she spoke. "You have no reason to stop loving me. I didn't break your heart, make you hate me or anything like that. But you need to understand that you can still love someone else as well."

"How?" he asked.

"It will be different. Parents love their children different but the same. Every love is different, even if it's the same kind."

Callen shook his head. Alex pushed on. "Your heart didn't die with me, G. Hurt yes, not want to go through it again, yes. Die, no." Alex took a breath and then asked him, "What if it had been the other way around? You wouldn't want me to go through life without someone else would you?"

Callen shook his head. "No."

"Why?"

"Because you deserve to be loved," Callen answered. He didn't even have to think about the answer. 

Alex smiled, one of those ones where he knew she had just won a battle.

"As do you," she said. Callen started to shake his head, but she stopped him. "As do you," she repeated firmly.

"Think about it,” she said. “Think about whether you actually like her. Because she likes you." Callen closed his eyes briefly, as Kensi's face flashed through his mind, one from the hallway, the dream and a few other moments that had passed between them.

"Goodnight G."

Alex reached up and kissed him gently, he breathed in her scent.

Callen opened his eyes and she was gone.

 


	14. Chapter 14

* * *

 

 

Callen had been watching the news on the TV and there was a story about someone being gunned down outside their home. Abruptly, he turned it off, threw the remote on the table, not caring that it bounced off, and put his head back on the couch. Memories of that day and the days, weeks and months that followed Alex's death washed over him.

That's where Kensi found him when she got home. Callen was so lost in his memories that he didn't even hear her come in, or have time to wipe away the tears that had fallen.

"Callen?" Kensi said loudly finally getting his attention. Callen looked up at her and tried to blink away the tears. She sat down next to him. "What is it?" she asked.

Callen looked at her, unable to answer. He saw the concern and care in her eyes, heard it in her voice. He thought back to the last time they'd spoken about Alex. She'd listened, she'd helped just by doing that. He took a deep breath and started.

"I lost everything when she died, Kenz ... I lost my mind."

"How bad?" Kensi settled back on the couch.

"You don't want to know," Callen advised.

"I asked. I wouldn't have if I didn't want to know."

Callen looked at her, took a breath. "I don't know if I can." He also didn't know if he wanted to tell her. He didn't want her touched by the darkness that had surrounded him back then.

"I'm here Callen, if you want to try." She didn't push. It reminded him of Alex. Callen smiled briefly and decided to continue.

"All I could think about,” Callen started, “was getting whoever it was who did it. Who took away my life but left me living." He stood up and started pacing. "I hunted them down, barely slept. It took three weeks to find them. To find the assassin and the one who gave the order."

"Assassin?" Kensi frowned.

He'd started, might as well continue. "Yeah. She was killed because they wanted to get to me." Callen sat back down. Moving wasn't really doing anything for him. He wanted to be near her. It was comforting, reassuring even.

"I'm sorry," Kensi said softly as Callen put his head back against the couch and stared at the ceiling.

"They were going to go after everyone I cared about,” Callen said. “They started with her. It ended with her." He was sure Kensi would hear the pain in his voice, pain and anger.

"They paid the price, Callen. You caught them and they paid the price."

Callen looked at her. He needed to see her reaction for what he was about to say.

"I killed them Kenz." He saw the shock in her eyes at his admission, closely followed by concern. "They were the only times I 'enjoyed' killing someone."

It wasn't exactly that he had enjoyed it as such, but it wasn't reluctant, in self defense or anything. Sure, they'd been firing at them to start with, but he knew what he was going to do before they went in. It was going to be him or them.

"We could have brought them in. But they'd have walked," Callen continued.

"We?" Kensi asked.

"Her partner, Nathan from LAPD, was with me. She was like a sister to him. He wanted them almost as badly as I did."

"Why would they have walked?"

"Our methods hadn't exactly been by the book." 

Kensi raised her eyebrows. 

Callen shook his head and continued. "You really don't want to know." 

It had been hard enough letting Kensi know about killing them, let alone the rest of how he'd found who was responsible.

"Killing them was the only way to stop them. At least that was what I told myself. In reality, killing them was purely revenge. They took her life, I'd take theirs." That much he'd admit to her. "Hetty wasn't too happy with me. She suspended me and told me to deal with it or she would fire me and make sure I never worked again."

"Seriously?" Kensi asked. 

Callen nodded. Hetty hadn't said the words but he knew what she would do. It had taken him by surprise too, at how far Hetty was willing to go.

"Yeah. I wasn't gonna to stop."

"What do you mean?"

"There were others that had connections to them, to other murders and assassinations. If we had a case where there was the slightest hint that they were connected, I'd push that one over others. I was even tempted to go after them myself, without having a case. They were the bad guys and it was like it was my sole mission to stop them anyway I could."

"What about her partner?"

"Nathan was satisfied enough having got the ones responsible for Alex. He went back to work, completed their cases, then transferred out of state. Fresh start. They'd been partners five years, but known each other about ten."

"So what happened after Hetty suspended you?" Kensi asked. 

This part, he could do. It was bad, but not the kind of bad where he'd worry that Kensi would run screaming from the room.

"I got drunk, for about three weeks." Three weeks that Callen couldn't remember much of. Just that the more he drank, the less it hurt and every time he slowed down or tried to sober up, the pain came back, stronger than before.

"Then?" Kensi prompted. 

This next part he did remember. Not something anyone would forget happening.

"Hetty showed up and threw me in the shower." Callen finally smiled at something.

"Hetty threw you in the shower?" Kensi raised her eyebrows. 

Callen could tell she wasn't quite sure whether to believe that part of the story. But it was true.

"Never underestimate what that little woman can do," he said to her with a bit of a grin. "Then she made me eat and read the letter from Alex." He hadn't been able to open it. Just seeing her writing on the front had almost been too much.

"What did it say?"

Callen remembered finally reading it, the tears that had fallen as he had. How Hetty had sat next to him, waiting, just in case he needed her. How her words and Hetty's support had stopped him from destroying himself.

"That she loved me and didn't want me to stop being the man she fell in love. Begged me to live. To keep doing what was right. She'd written it when I took the job with OSP. She knew what I was really doing, how she might end up a target."

"You told her?"

"Yeah. Hetty did a thorough background check, deeper than probably necessary, and then told me to tell her before I officially took the job. We'd been together for two and a half years by then." Hetty knew how difficult the job would be, and had wanted him to make sure it was the right decision for both of them. Not just him.

"Thanks Kenz. For listening." Callen had talked more about Alex in the last week with her and Sam than he had in a very long time. He didn't really think he was up to anymore right now.

"You can talk to me anytime. I can understand a little. I know what it's like to lose someone you love deeply."

Callen looked at Kensi. He could see the pain in her eyes. Not the same as his, but it was there, amongst the concern and the care.

"Your father?" he asked.

Kensi shook her head. "No. My fiancée, James. He was killed in action three years ago."

"Kenz, I'm sorry."

"Just remember I'm here."

* * *

**_Inside Kensi's head_ **

One night since she'd come home to find him in tears.

One night since he'd let her in again.

One night since he'd told her about his darkest times.

She didn't know what she could do for him. What Callen had been through, had been so much worse than when James had been killed. Not that what she went through wasn't bad, but Alex had been murdered and died in his arms. At least she hadn't had to watch James die.

She'd told him about James, just so he would know she could understand, at least a little. She didn't know when she would tell him more. She'd talked to Nate occasionally about James, but even he didn't know it all.

You really didn't want to tell the man who could effectively end your career if he thought you were mentally unstable, that for the first few months after your fiance was killed, you saw him in your dreams or even when you closed your eyes and thought about him, he was there. Really there, not just a memory. At least that had been how it felt. A discussion like that would be a one way ticket to a desk job at NCIS, if she was lucky, or being fired, especially if she admitted that when times were really bad, it still occasionally happened.

She wasn't ready to talk to Callen about James, not because she didn't want to, but because right now, this was about him. About helping him get through this time, both physically and emotionally. Not about her. She was further on that track to recovery than he was.

One night since she'd reached out to him.

One night since she'd admitted that she could understand, at least a little.

One night since she'd first mentioned James to him.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a minor reminder that I wrote this a long time ago and it's not up to the same standards as much current stories. I'm just pulling this in as it was written before. Enjoy.

* * *

The next afternoon Callen had fallen asleep on the couch. He woke up at a familiar touch on his arm. When he opened his eyes Alex was sitting there on the floor, her hand on his arm, looking at him.

"Hey," he smiled, then frowned. "I didn't do anything you know. I've been good."

Alex gave a soft laugh and smiled. "I know. You talked to Kensi. You've been very good."

Callen’s smile returned. "It helped."

"Always did," she replied knowingly.

"So I'm not in trouble?" 

Alex shook her head, smiled a little but he could see that she was sad about something and he frowned.

"No. But you do need to wake up," she told him.

"Why?" Callen sat up, her hand dropping off his arm as he did.

"Kensi's had a bad day. She'll be home soon. You might want to do something about dinner."

"What happened?" Callen’s concern for Kensi battling with him wanting to know what was worrying her.

Alex smiled softly and reassured him, "She'll tell you. Your turn to take care of her for a bit." She stood up and started to move away.

"Alex?" Callen reached for her hand and turned her back. 

"Yeah?"

"Why are you sad?" he asked.

Callen saw her try to smile and then give up. "For Kensi,” she said. “That she didn't have what I had. Look after her G."

Callen frowned at what she had said, but didn't push. "Thanks."

Alex smiled. "Anytime," she replied and walked away. As she moved out of sight, he put his head back, closed his eyes and wondered what had happened with Kensi. When he opened them again, he was still lying on the couch.

* * *

"Hey," Callen said when Kensi walked through the door. He could see the tension in her and frowned. Alex had been right.

Kensi put her keys on the table and dropped her bag before turning to him. "Hi." 

Callen could hear the weariness in her voice. He stood up and started to move toward her. "You okay?"

Kensi shrugged. "Bad day."

"Hungry?"

Kensi shrugged again. Must be bad. Kensi not talking. Never really a good sign.

"Pizza's on it's way," he told her. She smiled a little, not much though.

"Thanks. I'm just going to-"

The doorbell rang and cut her off. Kensi walked over and opened the door. She handed over the money for the pizza that he had left on the table. He got some plates, glasses and drinks from the kitchen.

When Kensi still didn't seem in the mood for talking when they were finished Callen suggested a movie. She agreed and Callen picked something from her collection that he knew she liked. They moved to the couch, sitting comfortably next to each other and started the movie. After about fifteen minutes, he knew she wasn't really watching it, so he switched it off and waited. It took her a couple of minutes to realise what he had done and then she turned to him and frowned.

"What?"

"What's up Kenz?" 

Kensi shook her head.

"Come on, only fair,” he said. “You let me talk. My turn to listen." 

Kensi leaned back against the couch and finally started spilling the details of the day.

Over the last few days they'd been investigating a murder and today, they'd finally managed to get in contact with the wife who had been out of the country. Kensi and Sam had gone to see her. Her daughter was there, too. Just fifteen. The daughter had run out of the room crying after being told her dad had been murdered. Kensi had gone after her.

"She reminded me of me Callen. I was her age, but at least she cried," Kensi said, her voice soft and full of pain. Callen saw the tears fall down Kensi's cheek and pulled her into his arms as she continued. "I didn't cry for days. I just locked it away, not believing it. It hurt too much to think about. It still hurts."

"I know," Callen whispered. He knew what it was like for things to still hurt so bad a long time after. And now he also understood Alex's comment. She had her parents her entire life, Kensi hadn't. Kensi held onto him and he felt his shirt getting wet with her tears, but he didn't mind. He was sure he'd shed many more that night he'd cried over Alex. He wasn't sure how long they stayed like that, but eventually she turned her face to him. Callen reached out to brush off the last of the tears away and as he did, their gazes locked. He saw the pain in her eyes, but also saw a flash of something else. He wasn't quite sure what, but he found himself moving his head closer and touching her lips with his. Kensi moved as well and reached an arm up around his neck. He felt her lips part under his and her warm breath on his lips and together, they deepened the kiss. When Callen pulled back, he looked down at her, unsure. He loved Alex, but something felt ... He shook his head.

"Callen?"

"I'm sorry." He moved away from her.

"Nothing to be sorry about," Kensi said softly.

"Do you want to finish the movie?" he asked turning back to the TV.

"Sure," she replied.

Callen pressed play and, though he sat there and watched it with her, he didn't see any of it. His mind too consumed with the kiss and wondering what was happening to him.

* * *

**_Inside Kensi's head_ **

.

Last night.

Last night, her heart was hurting.

Last night, he'd been there for her and she'd let him in.

She didn't know what would happen now. Telling him about her father, crying in his arms. It had helped. There was grief that she still hadn't dealt with, emotions she still didn't have complete control over. Though they rarely came to the surface these days. She was pretty good at pushing them back. Like the night she had comforted him when he'd lost control of his, she'd lost control of hers too. But after, it felt good. She felt relieved. Then it had all changed again.

He'd kissed her. She'd kissed him back. It wasn't just comfort. She knew that much. It was also nothing like when they were undercover. It was real. She knew he was confused. She'd seen it in his eyes. That and the guilt.

They hadn't talked about it. They probably should. She understood. Perhaps she needed to tell him more about James sooner after all. She understood the guilt. Feeling like you were cheating on the one you loved. Even though you weren't. Even though everything in your head was telling you this is what that person would’ve wanted for you. To find someone else, to feel again, to share your life with someone. Yet everything in your heart was screaming that you loved someone else, how could this be happening.

Everything was different now. The road in front of them, uncharted. They'd have to find their way on their own. Hopefully together.

Last night.

Last night, when everything changed again.

Last night, that first kiss, a real kiss.

 

 


	16. Chapter 16

* * *

 

"Nate?" Kensi called out as she knocked on the psychologist's open door early the next morning.

Nate looked up at her voice and smiled. "Hi Kensi, what can I do for you?"

"Do you have a minute?" She was still at the door.

"Just a minute?"

Kensi shrugged. "Maybe a bit longer."

"Come on in," Nate replied with a wave of his hand, ushering her in.

Kensi walked in and closed the door behind her. Nate raised his eyebrows at that and figured this must be serious. Kensi sat down on the couch, but didn't start talking. Nate got up from his chair and went to join her. When Kensi looked at Nate he saw the confusion on her face.

"What's wrong Kensi?" he asked.

"Nothing. I mean, maybe nothing. It's just..." Kensi stood up and started pacing the room.

What the hell was she doing here? It was just a kiss right? Nothing that really needed a therapy session.

She turned and looked at Nate.

"Callen and I we um..."

"You what?" Nate prodded when she stopped.

"We - " She couldn't do this.

"Had sex?" 

Kensi shot him a furious glance. "Mind out of the gutter Nate," she snapped. 

Nate held his hands up in surrender. "What then? What's you got you so rattled?"

Kensi took a deep breath and let it out slowly before answering. "We kissed."

Nate tried not to smile. "A kiss has got you .. Sorry," he stopped at her look.

"It was just once, but ... I'm sure it freaked him out."

"Do you want to tell me what happened?" Nate asked.

"I was upset, after yesterday. It brought back memories," Kensi said as she finally sat back next to him.

"Your father?"

Kensi nodded. "Yeah. I got home, he noticed. I started talking and crying."

"That's good Kensi. Talking, crying. It's all part of grieving," Nate reassured her.

"Yeah but it was so long ago." Over twelve years ago.

Nate watched her carefully as he spoke, judging her response to what he was saying. "Grieving is process. It doesn't take a set amount of time. It finishes when it finishes."

Kensi shook her head and spoke again, softly and with a touch of pain to her voice. "But this long? I mean, James didn't take this long."

"You were an adult then Kensi, not a child." Yes, Kensi had been fifteen when her father died, but that was still a child. "You locked it away until you could deal with it."

Kensi sat forward and put her head in her hands. "But I did that with James too. I'm not even sure if I'm done with James. I still see him."

"What?"

Kensi closed her eyes and put her head back. She did not mean to say that.

"Kensi, what do you mean you still see him?" Nate asked concerned.

Kensi looked at him. "After he died, I saw him in my dreams. Sometimes I was asleep, sometimes I wasn't."

Nate breathed a sigh of relief. "That's normal Kensi, to dream about them."

"Yeah, normal," Kensi replied, relieved herself that Nate hadn't realised just what she meant. "I still dream about him sometimes, hear his voice in my head. Is that normal too?" she asked. Couldn't hurt to be sure that she wasn't crazy.

"He was important to you. I dare say you'll always be able to hear his voice in you head. Maybe it's because you won't listen to yourself, but if you hear him say it you take more notice," Nate added.

"So, his voice is just my subconscious telling me off?" Considering James used to tell her off when she did stupid things, that would make sense. She knew he only did it because he cared.

Nate smiled. "That's one way to look at it."

Kensi was quiet then, she didn't really know what to say next.

"What happened after the kiss?" Nate asked, getting them back to the original discussion.

"We finished the movie, went to bed … separately," she added quickly.

Nate frowned. "You didn't talk?"

She shook her head. "No."

"Why not?"

"Nate, he felt guilty. I could see it in his eyes," Kensi replied.

"Guilty because of Alex?"

"Yeah."

"He's grieving too. Is he still talking to you about her?" Nate asked, hoping he was. Callen had been carrying around the grief and pain for Alex for a long time, not sharing it with anyone.

Kensi nodded. "Yeah, we talked again. I came home the other day and he'd been crying." She wasn't going to get into what Callen had told her about how bad things had been. If Nate wanted to know any of that, he was going to be disappointed.

"You know that's good for him."

"I know," Kensi replied. "How do you get over something so bad? I mean, it's not just that she died. It's the way she died. I'm sure he blames himself."

"Like you blamed yourself for your father?" Nate asked out of nowhere.

Kensi looked at him and frowned, "I didn't-"

"Maybe blame is the wrong word." Nate smiled at her gently then continued. "You snuck out. You can't tell me the thought didn't cross your mind that maybe if you hadn't, he would still be around?"

Kensi swallowed nervously. How had Nate seen that? She'd never told anyone that.

"Kenz, your father didn't die because you disobeyed him. It doesn't work like that."

Kensi wondered if psychologists went through a particular course that taught them how to have a reassuring tone to their voice. Right now, she was sure Nate must have passed with flying colours.

"I know," Kensi whispered.

"Kenz," Nate said to get her attention. She finally looked back at him. "You're not to blame and neither is he. It was just life and life isn't always fair or right."

"How can I help him?" her voice filled with desperation. It had been easy to see how much Callen was still hurting about Alex. "I don't even know how to explain to him what happened after James died."

"Why don't you try it on me?" Nate suggested.

Kensi frowned, slightly confused. "What?"

"You are worried about him feeling guilty for kissing you," Nate clarified.

"Amongst other things," Kensi replied.

Nate smiled. "One thing at a time. I take it you felt guilty about that after James."

"Why do you think I never go on a second date?"

"Because you hadn't found the right guy?"

Kensi smiled, just what he had hoped for.

"Maybe," she admitted, "but there was always this guilt whenever I kissed them or... I felt like I was doing something wrong. I love James, I loved him so much and yet there I was, enjoying someone else."

"But you didn't love anyone else," Nate said.

Kensi shook her head.

"Until now," Nate added.

Kensi looked up at him.

"Kensi, you're here talking to me. You've been looking after him, getting frustrated by him. Worried about him. And you kissed him."

"He kissed me first," Kensi protested.

Nate smiled. "You kissed him and now you are here talking to me about it, rather than him. You love him."

"Yeah," Kensi admitted.

"Does Hetty know?"

Sometimes she really couldn't keep up with Nate's side of the conversation. "What?"

"You'll need to either keep it from her," Nate said. Kensi rolled her eyes at that, as if they could keep anything from Hetty. "Or tell her and hope she lets you two continue to work together," Nate continued.

"You're talking like we're a couple already."

"You will be."

Kensi couldn't help but smiled as she shook her head at him. "Nate."

"Call me a hopeless romantic, but I'm a great believer in love conquering all. And if you tell anyone I said that, I will deny it."

Kensi raised her eyebrows at his admission. "You know you have just given me a great piece of blackmail there, Nate."

"No. I've just told you something about myself. That's all."

Kensi frowned and sat forward looking at Nate.

"Nate, do you think he'll get over her? Do you think he can move on?"

"You did, or at least you want to." Nate said gently. "Remember, he was with her for three years, basically he has loved her for nine. He's spent the last six years fighting this grieving process. It may take a long time, or it may just be that he's fighting hard against the final part. Sometimes that's the hardest part. Letting go."

"Sometimes it takes something drastic to make it happen," Kensi added. Like someone you cared about almost dying.

"What made you let go of James?" Nate asked.

"You think I've let go?"

Nate nodded. "Yeah, you've let go. Not to say you don't still have some grieving to do, but you've let him go." Grieving didn't always follow a set of rules, sometimes the process went a little bit different. Kensi wasn't one to always follow rules.

"Thanks Nate," Kensi said as she stood up. Nate followed and was surprised when she hugged him.

She let go, walked to the door and turned around.

"Oh, Hetty already knows," Kensi told him.

"Since when?" Nate asked.

"The hospital." Kensi smiled, "She has perfect timing."

"For her at least, not always for the rest of us," Nate said with a smile.

Kensi nodded and left, still not sure what was going to happen, but feeling a little less stressed and confused after her talk with Nate.


	17. Chapter 17

* * *

 

 

Callen couldn't clear his head. He was confused about last night. Confused about Kensi. Confused about Alex. He needed to get out. Needed company. He reached for his phone, dialed and waited for an answer.

"Hey Sam," he said as soon as Sam answered.

"Hey G. What's up?" 

"Can you pick me up?"

"Why?" Sam sounded suspicious. Callen decided to stick with the truth and keep it simple; no banter, teasing or anything.

"Want to get out. Wouldn't mind some company."

"Sure," Sam agreed. "Where to you want to go?"

Callen thought for a moment. He mainly just wanted out. Then he knew exactly where he wanted to go.

"Can you take me to the office? Haven't seen it yet." They'd moved offices recently. Checking out the new place should be fun. The thought briefly crossed his mind that it would also mean seeing Kensi. He hadn't seen her this morning. He'd stayed in his room until she left. He had no idea what to say to her at the moment.

"You know I can't. Hetty would have my head." Sam's words painted a delightful picture of Hetty with a sword in one hand and a silver platter with Sam's head sitting on it.

"For what Mr Hanna? Is that Mr Callen." He heard Sam gulp, his reaction was the same as he heard Hetty's voice.

"Umm, yeah," Sam admitted.

Then he heard Hetty's voice, much clearer this time. Obviously she had taken Sam's phone off him. "Mr Callen, are you bothering Mr Hanna?" Callen shook his head in denial, then realised that he'd actually have to say the words if he wanted her to know. Though with Hetty...

"No, just wanted to get out."

"Then go," Hetty replied.

"Can't I come back to work?" he begged.

"No," came her firm reply. One that, had he not been so bored, confused and in desperate need of something to distract him from his thoughts, he never would have challenged.

"Come on Hetty. Look, I'll sit at desk, just get me out of the house." Callen could almost see the smile on her face at his offer to just sit at a desk.

"No Mr Callen. You are still on medical leave and until the doctor clears you for either desk duty or active duty, you will remain so."

"I want to see the new office." Callen almost cringed. He sounded like a desperate teenager throwing anything at their parents, just so they would let him go to the coolest party. Not that he'd ever done that, just that is what he thought they must sound like.

Hetty wasn't swayed. "No, Mr Callen."

"But-" He didn't get any further.

"Do I need to come over and give you my answer in person?" Hetty threatened.

"No... But Hetty, I'm bored."

"Then take up a hobby," she advised.

"Done that, still bored." That would be if reading was a hobby. He'd read everything Kensi had in the house and more.

"Mr Callen, I have work to do. Have a nice day."

"Hetty-" But it was no use. She'd already hung up.

Callen sat down on the couch and groaned in frustration. He'd been to the doctor last week and wasn't due to see him for another two weeks. He just wanted to get back to work. Back to having something else on his mind rather than these crazy mixed up feelings and thoughts. He stood up and decided to go for a walk to clear his head. Fresh air was supposed to work wonders right? He grabbed the spare set of keys Kensi had given him and left.

It was five o'clock by the time he returned and found Kensi already home, holding an ice pack to her cheek.

"Kenz, what happened?" Callen moved quickly to her.

"Walked into a fist. It happens. I'm fine," Kensi tried to reassure him.

"Let me look." Callen moved the ice pack carefully from her face. "Ouch."

Kensi put it back on. "It'll be fine in the morning and even if it isn't, Hetty can work wonders with makeup."

"What happened?" Callen sat down next to her.

"Just a case."

"Tell me," he demanded. Kensi put the ice pack down and looked at him.

"Why? It's not going to change what happened."

"I should have been there." Callen stood up, frustration and anger simmering. Stupid doctors, they don't know anything. He was fine. He started to pace, his mind going crazy that she had been hurt when he wasn't around to protect her.

"Callen," Kensi's voice came from just behind him. Callen turned around and looked at her.

"Sam was there. I had back up. It just happened. You know what can happen in our job."

Callen reached out and held her face gently. "But if I'd been there -"

Kensi put her fingers on his lips to stop him. Callen felt the heat from them and his rant stopped, his mind going in a completely different direction at the softness of her fingers on his lips.

"If you'd been there, you'd probably be back in the hospital," she told him as she moved her fingers away.

"I … I don't like you getting hurt," he admitted.

"Makes two of us," Kensi agreed quietly.

She was so close. "Kenz?" he asked softly, though what he was asking, he wasn't sure. Callen saw her gaze drop to his lips and before he could stop himself, he had caught hers with his own. It wasn't slow this time, but he was conscious of her injuries so he was gentle. When they broke apart, both breathing heavily, neither knew what to say. They just looked at each other. Then there was a knock on the door. Callen pulled away and Kensi went to the door.

"Chinese food and beer. Thought you'd prefer this than G's cooking," Callen heard Sam's voice and turned to the see Sam, Eric and Nate walk through the door.

"He's not that bad," Kensi defended.

"I'll get some plates." Callen headed to the kitchen and hoped it would give him enough time to hide his emotions.


	18. Chapter 18

* * *

 

A few days passed. Days and nights where Kensi was wrapped up in a case at the office, where Callen was on his own more often than not. He went out for walks, re-read books, threw said books against the wall in frustration. He'd dialed Hetty's number more than once, having something in his head to say to her that would convince her to let him back in the office. But before the number connected, he'd hang up. He knew Hetty well enough. Clearance from a doctor was the only thing that was going to get him through the doors of the office. That, and someone to take him since he didn't actually know where it was anymore.

It was late again. Callen had already had dinner when Kensi finally made it home. For some reason tonight, he'd waited up for her. Possibly desperate for company. Maybe it was as simple as wanting to see her.

"Hi," Kensi smiled as she walked in the door and saw him.

"Hey. Good day a work?" Was that really all he had to say to her? Again, they hadn't talked about that kiss, either of them. Why was it that he'd managed to share things about Alex with her, but he couldn't talk to her about a kiss?

"Not too rough." Kensi put down her things and walked over to him, holding a bag. "Hetty sent this for you," she continued as she handed it to him.

Callen took it and frowned. "Hetty sending me a present?" He wondered what the chance was that it was the directions and keys to the new office. He shook his head. Not a chance.

Callen sat down opened it and pulled out the box that was inside. His breath caught as he realised what it was. Kensi noticed his shock.

"What is it?" she asked gently.

Callen looked up at her and he was sure she would be able to see the pain he felt wash over his face. It took him a few moments before he could answer her.

"The few things of Alex's I kept." Callen looked back to the box sitting in front of him. He closed his eyes, he knew what this meant. Knew why Hetty had sent it. How could he have forgotten?

Kensi sat down next to him. "Do you want me to stay or go?" she asked.

Callen looked at her. "Stay. I ... I want you to know."

Kensi nodded.

Callen reached in and pulled out the first thing his hand touched. It was a photo of Alex, just her. His heart ached and he felt the tears in his eyes. He passed it to Kensi and heard her sharp intake of breath. He turned to look at her and frowned.

Kensi was staring at the photo.  _ The woman from my dream. Must have been Alex. Was it really a dream? _

"That's Alex?" she asked when she finally looked at him.

"Yeah."

"She's beautiful Callen," Kensi said as she handed the photo back to him. 

Callen placed it gently on the coffee table. Kensi noticed he handled it like it was the most precious thing in the world.

Callen then reached in for the next item, his hand closed around it. He held it in his hand for a moment. 

Kensi placed a reassuring hand on his shoulder, offering him what comfort she could, guessing that this was painful for him. Callen opened his hand slowly.

"You didn't tell me you two were engaged," Kensi said softly as they both looked at the ring in his hand.

"Yeah. We'd been together three years and were going to get married a couple of months later."

They were silent for a moment, as Callen twirled her ring around his finger remembering the morning he gave it to her. He gently placed it down on the table, next to the photo and reached in again. This time he pulled out a book and couldn't help but smile as he showed it to Kensi.

"War and Peace?" she asked.

"Yeah. She was trying to read it. Couldn't get into it, but she was determined." Callen looked at the bookmark and chuckled. It was barely a third of the way there. "She'd been trying to read it since before I came along." He turned the book and showed Kensi who smiled.

"That's a long time to only get through that much," she said.

"Yeah." Callen smiled at the memories. The book had been a signal to him that she'd had a bad day. He'd figured it out after a few months that if she'd been working on a really bad case, or there had been a bad outcome, she needed distracting. Since the book took so much of her concentration to read, he'd usually find her curled up with it. He also remembered that after figuring that out, if he came home to find her reading it, he'd deliberately distract her. He certainly hadn't been helpful in her attempt to finish it.

The next thing Callen pulled out was another photo, one of the two of them. It was an awkward shot. They'd taken it themselves. It was from their time away at the beach house where he'd proposed.

"You look happy," Kensi commented as she looked at the photo. Her hand was still resting on his shoulder and she was sitting close.

"We were." Callen traced Alex's smile on the photo and then put it down.

The next thing he pulled out was her letter to him, the one that had pulled him back from destroying himself. Callen opened it and read it again, holding it so Kensi could see too, if she wanted to.

* * *

_ G, _

_ I know what you do and I know what that means for me. It's a risk I'm willing taking to be with you. There wasn't even a choice. Without you, I wouldn't be complete. _

_ I hope you never have to read this, but if you are, please know this. I love you. The man I fell in love - you - I was willing, wanted even, to take this risk for. You are worth it. _

_ Please don't change. What you do is good, very good. It is important. We need more people like you, someone to fight for those who can't. _

_ I can't imagine what my life would be like without you, so I don't really know what you are going through, but I am begging you, please, please don't change. _

_ I remember that determined, cheeky man who somehow convinced me to go on a date even though I swore I would never date a DEA agent. How did you do that? Right, you wanted to see me laugh. Remember that, remember when I laughed, remember all the times I laughed. Most of them will be because of you. _

_ I want you to remember how happy you made me. Please don't change from being that man. _

_ I love you. Always will. _

_ Alex. _

* * *

The tears were falling down his face by the time he finished and Kensi slipped her arms around him and held him. "I'm sorry." she whispered.

Callen closed his eyes briefly and accepted the comfort she offered. When his thoughts turned to more than comfort, he pulled himself away.

Callen knew there was one more thing in the box. He wasn't sure he could do it. But somewhere, somehow, he found the strength, and the courage, to reach into the box once more and pull out the remaining picture. He held it in his hands, but didn't say anything. He couldn't.

"She was pregnant?" Kensi asked softly.

"Yeah, 8 weeks." His voice came out in a whisper. Even he could hear the pain in it.

"I …" Kensi didn't know what to say.

Callen looked at Kensi and saw the concern in her eyes, but he also saw something else. He saw love and he panicked and fled. Had she made her way into his heart? If she had, how could he give her the love she deserved when he still loved Alex?


	19. Chapter 19

* * *

 

The next morning, Kensi stirred at the sound of her front door closing. She got up, grabbed her gun before she left her bedroom and checked the apartment. Finding the apartment empty, including Callen gone, she went to the window to see if she could still see him outside. There was no sign of him. She frowned and turned away from the window. As she headed back to her room, she saw the note on the fridge. For some reason the words she read concerned her and she felt a chill go up her spine. Perhaps it was because there were so few words and they really gave nothing away. She dressed quickly and headed to the office.

"Hetty," Kensi called out as she walked into the office and saw their boss.

"Yes Miss Blye," Hetty replied as she turned around and waited for Kensi to join her and then continued to her desk together.

"Callen left early this morning. He left a note but all it said was he needed some air. Do you have any idea where he went?" Kensi asked. His note had just said 'Need air, back sometime, G'.

Hetty sat down and took a moment before she looked up at Kensi. She could see the worry in Kensi's eyes. She knew what this was about with Callen.

"Did you give him the package?" Hetty asked.

Kensi nodded. "Yes."

"Did he go through it?" Hetty was sure she already knew the answer. It was something he always did at this time of year.

"Yes," Kensi nodded again. "We did it together." She knew Hetty would get to her point in her own time, that pushing for an answer wouldn't make a difference, though she did feel herself getting impatient with her boss.

Hetty raised her eyebrows. Together? That was an unexpected, though pleasant, surprise.

"So you know about Alex?" Hetty asked.

Kensi swallowed. "Yes." She knew how much Alex meant to Callen, knew what he'd had to deal with, that it wasn't just one loss. She could tell he was in so much pain from the memories at the moment, that he was confused. And Kensi knew she was worried, in a way, even more than when he was lying in the hospital bed. This kind of pain couldn't be stopped with a simple dose of morphine.

Hetty nodded. "Did he tell you what today is?"

Kensi frowned and shook her head. "No."

Hetty watched the emotions on Kensi's face. She could see the concern and the care, knew that Kensi needed to be there for Callen today. Hopefully he would accept her support.

"It is the sixth anniversary of Alex's death," Hetty told her.

"Oh." Kensi's heart ached for him. She was about to ask Hetty again where he would be, but stopped as she watched Hetty write something on a piece of paper and hand it to her.

"He'll be here, if you want to go."

Kensi looked down and then back to Hetty. Of course she did. She nodded her thanks to Hetty.

"Good luck," Hetty added. She was worried about both of her agents, and hoped that they would pull through this time together.

Kensi started to walk away but turned back. "Hetty?"

Hetty looked up at her. "Yes, Miss Blye?"

Kensi bit her lip  nervously, then asked her question. "Did you know her?"

Hetty smiled. "I had the … pleasure of meeting Alex on a few occasions," she admitted. And it had been a pleasure, even if the circumstances hadn't been ideal, especially the first time.

"She's pretty," Kensi said.

"Yes." Hetty agreed. "Along with strong willed, determined and protective. And soft and gentle."

Kensi smiled. Hetty wondered about the smile. There was something more in it. Something slightly sad. It made Hetty wonder if Kensi felt that she wasn't enough for Callen, now that she knew more about Alex. She hoped she didn't feel that way. Because it was most definitely not the case.

"Good match for Callen," Kensi said with a slight nod of agreement. Given what Callen had told her about Alex, that was the picture that she had in her head.

Hetty smiled again and tilted her head slightly as she focused her gaze on Kensi. "And in a lot of ways, very similar to you."

Kensi and Alex looked totally different. One a tall, brown eyed brunette, the other a shorter, green eyed blonde. Both though, similar in that they loved getting the bad guys. Different again in the way they went about it. Kensi was capable of hiding her true self and being whoever she needed to be to get the information, to take them down. Alex, well Alex would never have made an undercover agent at all. She could be read so easily through her eyes if you knew what to look for, sometimes even if you didn't. She used her passion and emotions to fire up her determination to get the bad guys. Out of all the ways they were similar though, the most important one, was that they both loved Callen deeply.

Kensi smiled then, that uncertainty leaving her eyes with Hetty's reassurance.

"You care for him still," Hetty stated.

"Yes," Kensi admitted.

Hetty smiled, pleased that things hadn't changed. "Then go; find him. Help him through today. I'll see you tomorrow."

Kensi nodded. "Thanks Hetty."

Hetty watched again, as Kensi walked away from her desk. This time, Hetty thought back to her first meeting with Alex. When she had discovered first hand, how much Alex would do for Callen. Including standing up to her.

* * *

_ Hetty's first meeting with Alex. _

"Detective Baltimore, a word." Hetty watched through the door as Alex turned at the sound of her boss's voice.

"Sir?" Alex walked over to her superior whose nod directed her into the interview room.

Hetty saw her pause briefly and frown as Alex looked at her, but she continued into the room and Captain Tucker closed the door.

"Detective Alex Baltimore, this is Henrietta Lange, NCIS. She would like to speak to you about one of your current investigations." Hetty saw the recognition on Alex's face as her boss introduced them.

"Which one?" Alex asked as she glanced between the two of them, a frown of confusion on her face.

"Andrew Parker," Hetty answered.

Alex shook her head and looked at her boss. "He has no military connection."

Hetty cleared her throat as the Captain was about to speak. They both turned to her.

"May I speak to the Detective in private please, Captain." It wasn't actually a question, even though Hetty phrased it as one.

The Captain nodded and gave Alex a look that had Hetty suppressing a smile. It reminded her of similar ones she gave to Agent Callen, reminding him to behave. Not that they ever worked. Her smiled faded as she remembered why she was here.

"Detective Baltimore."

Alex sat down as she responded. "Please, Alex will be fine. You probably know more about me than anyone else in this office."

"That is entirely possible," Hetty agreed as she sat down at the table herself.

"Why do you want to know about Andrew Parker?" 

Hetty could almost see the wheels turning in Alex's mind as she seemed to be trying to figure out the connection.

"He is missing," Hetty stated simply, as she tried to judge Alex's reaction and see how much she did really know.

"Yes. We are trying to find him."

Hetty saw the frustration on Alex's face. She knew just how hard they had been trying, as she had been monitoring their investigation. Hetty nodded. "You are doing quite well at it."

Alex shook her head. "No. No we're not. We keep hitting brick walls with our leads."

"I know."

Alex's eyes narrowed at Hetty. "How?" she asked, her tone suspicious.

"Because we have been searching for him too."

Alex leaned forward in her chair and put her arms on the table as she looked at Hetty. "Have you been blocking us?"

Very perceptive, Hetty thought.

"Yes," she answered truthfully. She saw the frustration and a hint of anger flare in Alex's eyes. Callen had been right when he had once said that Alex was easy to read.

"Why?" Alex asked her.

Hetty took a deep breath, she really wasn't looking forward to what she had to tell Alex. She could already see what Callen had meant when he had said that Alex didn't like being kept in the dark about things. It was one of her little traits that made her a great detective. She left no stone unturned, no matter how small the pebble was.

Alex stood up and started pacing around the room as she spoke. "Come on. You cleared me so he could tell me things. Surely that means you can too."

Hetty nodded in agreement. "Andrew Parker was under our protection. He witnessed ... something that he shouldn't about two weeks ago."

Alex stopped and looked at Hetty with a confused frown. "So he's not missing? You know where he is?"

"No." Hetty shook her head. "Not anymore," she admitted.

"What do you mean, not anymore?" Alex moved back to the table, her gaze focused firmly on Hetty, as she remained standing, looking down at her.

This was definitely the part Hetty wasn't looking forward to. "Andrew Parker disappeared a week ago along, with one of our agents who was protecting him at the time." Hetty caught a brief flash of fear run across Alex's face.

"And you want our help?"

Hetty nodded. "Your help. You have been cleared. We know we can trust you."

"Why you?" Alex asked. Hetty could see the tension in Alex. "Why didn't you just send G down?"

A moment of silence from Hetty was all it took for Alex to put the pieces of the puzzle together.

"He's the agent who's missing." It wasn't a question. It was a statement. Hetty saw the fear return to Alex's eyes.

"Yes."

"You told me...You waited until  _ now  _ to tell me?"

Hetty could see the anger build in her. She could understand it. They had told Alex a week ago that Callen was still undercover and wouldn't be home for a while. Hetty stood up and moved toward Alex.

"Detective, I need you to remain calm."

Alex straightened up and looked down at Hetty, no sign of submission in her eyes. "Like hell I'll be calm. You should have told me the truth."

"We couldn't."

Alex shook her head and gave Hetty a disbelieving look. "Rubbish. You saw that I was looking, you saw that I close to finding out things even with you stonewalling me." She took a step back from Hetty, "You should have let me know the moment he was missing. You knew I could help."

"Alex -"

Alex put her hand up and shook her head, cutting Hetty's words off.

"No. I'm not done." Alex paused and took a deep breath. Hetty waited. "I have questions you will answer and if I am not  _ completely  _ satisfied, I will inform the Captain exactly what is going on. Something I assume you do not want," Alex continued.

Hetty shook her head firmly. "You can not do that. This is confidential matter."

Alex held Hetty's gaze. "I don't care. My loyalty is to G … and here. In that order." She shook her head to emphasise her words. "Not to you and not to NCIS. I will do what I have to to find him and bring him home.  _ Whatever _ that needs to be. That is all that matters. Do you have any idea where he is?"

Hetty took a seat again, hoping that perhaps Alex would follow and calm down a little. "No," she admitted.

"What do you know?" Alex asked, clearly frustrated by her answer.

"That he is alive," Hetty said matter-of-factly.

A look of relief flashed across Alex's face. "How?" Her question came out almost in a whisper, filled with the relief that Hetty had just seen on her face.

"Because if he wasn't, you would already know that in your heart," Hetty answered softly. It seemed like it was the right answer. She saw Alex's anger diminish, though only slightly. Or perhaps it was that hope grew in her that Callen was going to be alright. Either way, Hetty relaxed a little.

Alex let out a deep breath slowly and then sat down. "What other information do you have?" she asked.

"Plenty," Hetty assured her, "but that is not to be discussed here."

Alex took another calming breath before continuing. Her tone firmer than even Hetty's usually was with her agents, causing an emotion something similar to pride come over Hetty. Callen had chosen well.

"You will share every bit of that information you have on this.  _ Every _ bit. I don't care if you have the President on speed dial and are on a first name basis with ninety percent of the current world leaders. If you hold back anything from me, I swear -"

"We won't," Hetty agreed, cutting Alex off. "But you will need to bring your information to our office, not the other way around."

"When?"

"Now."

Alex stood up. "What do I tell the Captain?"

"I will deal with Captain Tucker. Please inform Nathan he will be coming with you," Hetty added.

"Nathan?" Alex sounded confused and frowned. "Why?" she asked.

"He has also been cleared as well, and you two work well together. We need everyone we can." They needed fresh eyes, the team had been over everything so much they couldn't see straight. Hetty was hoping that between Alex and Nathan, they might spot something they had all missed, especially considering they were already familiar with the case. Whilst pulling in another NCIS team would help, they would need to be briefed on the details. Hetty was hoping this option with Alex and Nathan already knowing so much from their own investigation, would lead to a quicker resolution.

"Why's he been cleared?" Alex asked.

"Because you were close with him and we needed to know if he was going to be a problem. Now, please Alex. It is time to find Agent Callen and Andrew Parker."

Alex nodded and left the room. Hetty smiled. Alex was tough and she definitely cared deeply about Agent Callen. She was impressed that Alex didn't back down with her. Callen needed someone like that on his side.


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, last chapter for this one. I'll work on getting Moving On up hopefully soon so you can follow the journey further. It follows them through the first two and a bit seasons with the chapters being tags to the episodes, so a little different to this one.  
> Thanks for checking it out. I know it's not a popular ship and this is very old (written 9 years ago actually) and I must admit to being very tempted to rewrite - but that would've taken me forever!

* * *

 

 

Today. Kensi woke up and Callen was gone.

Today. It was six years for him without Alex. She wouldn't let him go through that alone.

Today. Their lives would change. Again.

* * *

 

Callen had left Kensi's early that morning, walked on the beach, had breakfast at some coffee shop. He couldn't even remember what he'd eaten. Then he'd come here, where he always came on this day.

Callen walked through the cemetery to Alex's grave and sank down to the ground, leaning back against the tree that was there in front of it. He closed his eyes and waited. He knew she would be here today, because somehow, lately, she always knew when he desperately needed her. He smiled when he heard her voice come from above him. 

"Hi," she said. 

Callen opened his eyes and there she was standing just in front of him. She was in blue today; a soft dress, similar to the white one she had been wearing when she'd come to him when he'd died.

"Hi," he replied.

"Come here often?" Alex asked with a gentle smile and a slight tilt to her head as she looked down at him.

"Every now and then," Callen admitted, even though he was sure she knew that already.

"Mind if I join you?" She stepped a little closer to him.

Callen shook his head and held his hand up to help her down. Alex sat down between his legs and lent back against his chest, her head resting against his shoulder. His arms slipped around her and he smiled again. They used to sit like this, at the beach, in the park, on the floor in front of the fire, really anywhere that it would work.

"I'm proud of you G," Alex said softly.

"For what?"

Her hands covered his and she stroked his fingers ever so gently. "Sharing me with Kensi last night. I know it was hard for you."

Callen moved his fingers to link with hers. "I've never let anyone see the ultrasound picture before."

Alex pulled their hands up to her lips and kissed his fingers gently as she whispered, "I know."

Callen blinked back the tears he felt in his eyes. "You were right. She did understand."

"Told you." Alex still had their fingers at her lips and he felt her smile. Callen smiled too. It was the closest she would ever come to saying 'I told you so'. Her gentle version, without the 'know it all' tone to it.

The smile dropped from his face as he spoke again. "I don't think I'll ever stop loving you. I don't know if it's fair to Kensi to -" Alex cut him off with a shake of her head against his shoulder.

"Life's not fair G. You know that. If it was I'd …" She stopped and he felt her take a deep breath in an attempt to stop her voice shaking, before she continued. "It's what we do about it, that's what counts."

Callen didn't understand. "What do you mean?" he asked.

Alex turned in his arms so she could face him. "Talk to her, tell her what you feel."

Callen raised his eyebrows and shook his head. "Tell her that I'm still in love with you?"

Alex smiled gently. "That ... and that you are falling in love with her too."

"Alex." 

She shook her head again at his protest. "Come on G. You know you are. You may not want to admit it, but you are. The signs are there," she said desperately.

Callen sat silently for a moment, looking at her. She really was serious about this.

"What signs?" he asked reluctantly. She knew him better than anyone. If she'd seen something...

"You trust her,” Alex started. “You are attracted to her ... She's there for you. You're there for her ... You talk to her." Alex counted them off on her fingers as she went. "You're talking to her now more than you do with me. Aside from all of that, you know that you care about her." She placed her hand on his heart as she continued, "And, if you look deep enough, you'll find that you feel more alive when she's with you."

"Doesn't mean I'm falling in love."

Alex cupped his cheek and looked into his eyes. Callen could see the love she still felt for him. The tears came precariously close to falling from his eyes as he felt all that longing to have her back with him. For real. He'd missed her so much.

"Seriously G. Run that list over what you felt for me and you'll find that it matches up, even if the feelings are slightly different."

Callen took a slow breath as he briefly rested his head back against the tree and closed his eyes. He opened them again and looked at her. "I'm scared Alex," he admitted. She smiled. He couldn't help but let out a small, soft chuckle. She'd just won again. To get him to admit what he didn't really want to.

"Of course you are," she replied. "Love's scary. Sometimes it doesn't work out and you get hurt. Sometimes it does but it doesn't last as long as you want. Sometimes ... it lasts forever." 

Callen could see in her eyes that this was hard for her. She still loved him, always would. Yet here she was, trying to encourage him to love someone else.

Callen reached out this time and touched her cheek, wiped away a few tears that had fallen from her eyes. "Can I give her enough, if I still love you?"

"Of course you can," Alex replied. Callen saw the sparkle in her eyes, even through the tears. She was winning again, but he didn't mind.

"You sound so confident," he said.

"You're an amazing man, G Callen."

Callen kissed her gently on her lips, could taste the salt from the tears that had fallen on them. He held her tighter, breathed in her scent as he whispered, "I love you Alex."

"I love you too." Alex pulled back, wiping the rest of the tears away herself. She looked at him and smiled. "She's here."

Callen frowned, confused. "Who?"

"Kensi. She's coming." Alex stroked his face gently then rested her hand on his cheek. "Did you really think she would leave you to face today on your own?" she asked.

Callen heard soft footsteps and turned his head towards the sound. He saw Kensi making her way over, flowers in her hand. Kensi smiled at him. Callen turned back to Alex, but she was gone. Kensi walked past him and Callen watched as she placed the flowers on the grave and then turned back to him. He looked at the flowers; two bouquets, the smaller one a miniature of the first. It brought tears to his eyes, and an ache in his heart he couldn't place, as he realised that Kensi had brought them for both Alex and their child.

"Hey," Kensi said softly, as she stepped closer to him.

Callen looked at her as he stood up.

"Thank you," he whispered as he glanced at the flowers and then back to her. Kensi reached out and put her arms around him. His went around her. She didn't say anything, just held him.

"I don't know if I can do this Kenz," Callen finally admitted.

"What?" Kensi looked at him, he at her.

"What if I lose you too?"

Kensi smiled gently. "What if you don't?" she asked him.

Callen frowned. "I still love her. Always will," he admitted.

"I know. I still love James. Wouldn't want you to stop."

Callen frowned, not really understanding.

"You loved Alex deeply. Means you are capable of it ... Means there's hope that one day you might love me." It was the first time she had given him a hint on how she felt, at least verbally.

"Kenz, I-"

Kensi shook her head. "I'm not fishing Callen. I just want you to know I understand. That I'll wait."

Callen stroked her hair off her face and looked into her eyes. He smiled, as he felt a familiar emotion wash over him. Softly, he said, "She was right."

"Who?"

"Alex ... I have been falling in love with you."

Kensi smiled and Callen brushed his lips gently over hers. They were warm and inviting. More importantly though, he didn't feel the guilt anymore. He pulled her closer and settled his lips on hers. He felt her respond and their lips moved against one anothers. As hers parted, he deepened the kiss, still feeling the emotions spreading throughout his heart, like they'd been locked away and now someone had given him a key and the door was open.

Callen heard a childlike giggle, pulled back and looked in its direction. His breath caught as he saw Alex with a small child in her arms. Their child. There was no one else it would be. He was so caught up in the sight that he didn't even realise that Kensi had turned too. He stared for a moment, saw Lily tuck her head down on Alex's shoulder and look at him. Then he took in the full picture. Alex and their child, plus a man he'd never met before, who was looking right at Kensi. Callen guessed that it must be James. James smiled at Kensi and nodded before turning and walking away.

Callen looked down at Kensi and saw a stray tear on her cheek as she turned to look at him. He gently brushed it away and then they both turned back to Alex. This time he noticed and realised Kensi could see them too.

"Why now?" Callen asked Alex as he glanced between her and Lily.

Alex smiled at him, "Because you're ready to meet her." 

Callen looked back to Lily and she smiled at him and waved. She was a perfect combination of the two of them. She definitely had his smile. He saw the green sparkles in her blue eyes, as the sun broke through the trees and lit up her face. He looked back to Alex, unable to hold back the tears.

Alex glanced at Kensi and then back to him. "You have someone else to hold onto now." She smiled. "You've let us go."

Alex turned to Kensi as she stepped closer to them. Callen couldn't take his eyes of Lily. She was still smiling at him. He wanted to reach out, to touch her, but he was afraid if he did, that she would disappear.

Alex smiled at Kensi. "Thank you Kensi ... for loving him. For being so patient." She turned back to him and he finally took his eyes off Lily.

Callen could see the tears in Alex's eyes, see them spill over and fall down her cheeks. But he knew that they weren't sad ones. He could see it in her eyes. They were ones of love, happiness and relief. Even now, she was still so easy to read.

"Thank you," she whispered to him as she reached out and touched his cheek.

"For?" he asked as he held her hand against him. Alex smiled.

"For fighting ... for living ... for loving again." She brushed her thumb gently against his cheek and then stepped back. Callen glanced at Kensi who was looking at him now, a stunned expression on her face.

Callen bent his head, closed the distance between their lips and kissed her gently. When he pulled back, he whispered the words he didn't think he'd be able to say and mean again.

"I love you." He saw the tears in Kensi's eyes, saw her smile at him.

"Love you, too," she replied.

They turned back to Alex and Lily, but they were gone.

Callen nodded slightly and looked back at Kensi. "Let's go home," he said.

They turned away and started walking away. The breeze blew gently across him, bringing a familiar floral smell, that mix of lilies and freesias, with it. He smiled again as he heard Alex's voice. "Always with you, my love."

It was followed by a giggle and, "I love you Daddy."

Callen closed his eyes briefly, as he realised his heart was beating again. Not to pump the blood around his body; it had been doing that for a while. But he was living again. That there were, at this point at least, three females in his life that he loved with his whole heart. That love wasn't so much like a cake that had to be cut up and handed out, rationed even, but more like the bakery. The more people he had to love, the more he had to give. He turned his head to Kensi and, after kissing her gently on her head, he whispered into her hair.

"I love you."

* * *

 

Today. The day he would say the words that she had been waiting for.

Today. The day she would say the words to him she'd wanted to for so long.

Today. The day when the battle for his heart was finally over. The day when they all won.


End file.
